Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity

[Rita]

[quote=cardinal]

In my exh's subconscious I represent every failure of his mother and most especially his father, for whom he has nothing but hatred and contempt. When he looked at me, he never saw me ... just the narrative he'd created in his own addled brain.

Would he have brief moments of clarity? YES.

BUT -- and this is crucial for you to understand - Brief moments of clarity do not change the outcome.

I've come to understand that my exh had to do all these terrible things, and convince himself I was someone I was not so he could leave.

As we all know now, he married the woman I suspect was his affair partner. He's had a direct impact on destroying my son's psyche, and I will be very brutally honest here, Cardinal, he d@mned near destroyed me. I am 5 years and almost 4 months post BD. I am only know realizing the true extent of the gaslighting, verbal, and financial abuse I suffered at his hands from the start of his MLC through BD and divorce. It is only by being triggered in the ways I am being triggered these days, and most especially having 5 years of not living with my exh under my belt, that I can recognize any of it.

I was an emotionally and financially abused wife. It's a heavy admission to make. I allowed it to happen because I thought it was the only way to save my marriage, because I was in so deep I didn't really understand what was happening at the time, and had no idea how to stop any of it.

Do not make the same mistakes. Get a lawyer ASAP. Ask if you should drain the joint account, put it in your name only for safe keeping. Seriously. Protect yourself at all costs. This marriage is dead. Whatever may come in a future relationship with your husband has yet to be decided and will have to be brand new. Read that again. I don't know if that will help you. I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth, as I see it. You are solely responsible for your own financial wellbeing as of when he BD'd.

I wasn't sure if I was reading a post I wrote and forgot I wrote. In other words, exactly the same, line for line, word for word, as bttrfly.

In fact I didn't even know that exact-same with bttrfly until this month and I have been posting since 2014.

Learn from us.

I'd only change that last line to You are solely responsible for your own financial well being from day one. My H was terrible with money from our first date. He was never a good provider. I just didn't think it mattered, so I set myself up for all the years of financial irresponsibility and, later, the financial abuse. Now I am past the two-year mark of his divorce and he is still trying to destroy me, no end in sight. Because I didn't listen to people on these boards.

Cry as much as you want. But set aside two hours a day to be razor sharp, crystal clear. Go through all the money. Take half of it or more. If he asks, tell him to talk to your lawyer. If it bugs you to say that w/out explanation, tell him that your finances are separate from your feelings about the marriage, and you have to protect your half. Then smile cheerfully and leave the room. Remember that ad, "Never let 'em see you sweat"? Do that.