AND---- I"m being really screwed because the FASFA is based off my and H's info and he is out of the picture with a legal S... now they are trying to state my FASFA is inaccurate and frankly there is NOTHING I can do about it as cut offs for FAFSA were based on 2018 tax returns and closed last Fall.
Well you're not really getting screwed, if it's based on 2018 returns and your returns were higher then because you were still together then it is what it is, right? That's not because anyone is trying to screw you over or take advantage of you.
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SOOOOO - I just want to scream at my H!!!!! I'm doing this all alone. I don't have your support... you don't have my back... you walked out on this kid you helped raise for 10yr and you lie lie lie lie lie...
A lot of people do go through this "anger" phase, it's part of grief recovery. Personally I never did, my XW treated me poorly at times but I feel like I was pretty good about stepping outside of my own pain and such and could understand and sympathize with her position. She wanted out of the M, and she wasn't sure why. I was a good H but not perfect, there were things I could and should have done to make the M better and make her feel more loved. But I didn't, and it was too late to start. So she wanted out even though it was a very painful thing for her to go through. And I had to respect that, because I loved her and cared about her and even though it wasn't what I wanted, it was what she needed. The financial damage was substantial for both of us. That wasn't her fault, it's just a byproduct of divorce. Had I known we would get divorced some day, I would of course have planned better and not left myself exposed to the losses I incurred. But I didn't, I just assumed we would stay married. And so my lack of planning for that is my fault, not hers.
You have admitted numerous times that you were a terrible wife. You've beat yourself up a lot for it. So if you want to blame someone for your lesser financial situation, and the lack of support for you and your S, well at the end of the day that's really all on you, isn't it. I'm not saying your H is without blame, just that he didn't leave you because he wanted to hurt you or sabotage you, he just felt like he was at the end of his rope and didn't have another choice. You've got to respect that and let him go and quit finding reasons to be emotionally charged about it.
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How is it that I love such a loser????
I think you're obsessed with him, which is distinctly different than love. And this will pass. But you've got to let go first. You're giving him 95% of your energy. You've got to get that down to 5% (or less). When you get there, you will still love him, but you won't be obsessed with staying married to him. You will be OK with him having his own life, even if that's with someone else.
However the fact that the FAFSA was filed while I was legally M and now I'm legally S is coming into play that S19's father feels that he should not have to contribute to his own son's education because of my previous M status... that is where I'm getting screwed --- by S19's dad. YES, it will all come out over time in court and he will be ordered to pay but the bottom line is payment is due in less than 2 weeks and S19's dad is dragging this out... so ultimately its S19 that is getting screwed.
I'm angry - and I have every right to be so. I was there for so much CRAP for my H... YEARS of it. I was dragged into court on more than one occasion over the 10yr in regards to his kids. I had his back each and every time even if at times I sided with his kids or his XW --- I supported him 100%. Is he there for me???? NOPE... AND I have every right to be angry at his lies!!!! He kept saying he would talk to S19 but blew him off so many times that S19 shut down. Even 2 weeks ago telling me how he was taking him out to dinner... funny S19 didn't know anything about this.
Will I vocalize my anger to H??? No - what would be the point??? If he cared he would have done what he said and taken S19 out to dinner. He would follow up and ask how court went today. There is absolutely no reason for me to tell H how angry I am at the moment because he doesn't care.
I also accept that its okay for me to be angry. And, just because i'm angry right now doesn't mean I will be angry this time tomorrow.
These are my things to work through and today I choose to be angry so I can get over it and focus on the next hurdle.
I think it's good that you're angry. That means you are finally out of denial. You have to go through the 5 stages of grief until you are at acceptance. You'll get there it just takes time.
I helped my H see her side of things --- I was not emotionally involved so it was easier to me to see both sides. H will be the first to admit that I really helped him in understanding his rights to see his own kids (he was badly manipulated by his XW) And, for him to understand what she was dealing with.
NOW - I never took her side over my H. I always supported my H 100%.
AND - over the years I got to experience first hand why my H felt the way he did about his XW. I got to see first hand how she manipulated her children and how often once she got what she wanted out of a compromise or switch she would suddenly try to change the rules.
^^^^ Anyway, I do appreciate that my H speaks fondly of me and has good memories in regards to supporting him to be an extremely involved parent with his kids despite some pretty awful roadblocks that were sent our way. At the same time I appreciate that H shared his children with me... I loved being a family of 5! (now, the later I have never expressed to him in the way I just stated here and I'm not sure that I will ever get to express that directly to him as now is not the time.)
As for denial.... not so sure I'm making all that much progress but it is what it is and I'm trying to focus on one day at a time.
H contacted about atty stuff. I kept it business. Answered questions as short as possible. I did not ask a single thing of him. When he asked if I could send some stuff I was honest and said my desktop computer is still not working.
Had a long talk with self tonight... there is zero movement toward me. He didn't show up to S19 party and while.he seemed convincing that he was taking him out.for dinner instead there was never a word to S19 about this dinner. It's like why would he ever mention it if he wasnt going to do it??? H is just a huge pile of disappointment.
Tomorrow is another day. I'm exhausted. I'm second guessing myself if it was dumb to push things with my atty and not just make him get his own??? At this time there is still a huge chance for $$favor toward me but no guarantees. Most days I feel unsold my soul to the devil.
I see you're still stuck in denial and right now I don't see and end to it. Why are you second guessing yourself for pushing things? If you have a favorable agreement in place then get it done before he has a change of heart. You his guilt to your advantage. Notice I said guilt and not remorse. Big difference in the two words.
My SS20 is home. He gets about 3weeks of leave. I have been in touch and mentioned having dinner with me S19 and hopefully SD19 - before S19 leaves for college. I acknowledged he was surely busy and I'm understanding. He said he would get back to me. I know my H has missed him tremendously so I hope they are getting to spend loads of time together.
I miss my family. I will admit it guts me that H, OW and her kids are all hanging out with my SS20, his girlfriend and friends.
There is nothing I can do about it so its pointless to dwell. It helps to write it out so I can let it go.
I'm doing my best to drop the rope ---- I'm cool as a cucumber what interactions there are with H. I've kept it business. I don't ask anything of him. I don't express anything of myself. I will not chase, beg or plead.
I know that I'm stuck and I know its just going to take time.
