I've read a lot about spewing here and know it's totally the norm, but H's spewing feels like it's on a different level. It feels like the deepest hatred and disrespect. Is this strange? It scares me because I never imagined him capable of such extreme feelings toward me (or anyone, really) in all the time I've known him, and it's unsettling to think he could turn out this way, that I married someone who was capable of this. It like he's filled with so much resentment, he's made it so he'll never be able to recover a good memory from our time together. Reconciliation or forgiveness on his part seems not just unlikely but impossible, and he was so venomous that I can't imagine feeling safe with him again anyway. I'm okay with feeling that way at the moment. I don't want that kind of venom in my life. I opened myself up to it for too long because I guess some part of me thought I could still communicate with him, and I've lost my center momentarily. I need to somehow flush that venom out of my system--awful things he said during the convo echo like they did after BD.
In my exh's subconscious I represent every failure of his mother and most especially his father, for whom he has nothing but hatred and contempt. When he looked at me, he never saw me ... just the narrative he'd created in his own addled brain.
Would he have brief moments of clarity? YES.
BUT -- and this is crucial for you to understand - Brief moments of clarity do not change the outcome.
I've come to understand that my exh had to do all these terrible things, and convince himself I was someone I was not so he could leave.
As we all know now, he married the woman I suspect was his affair partner. He's had a direct impact on destroying my son's psyche, and I will be very brutally honest here, Cardinal, he d@mned near destroyed me. I am 5 years and almost 4 months post BD. I am only know realizing the true extent of the gaslighting, verbal, and financial abuse I suffered at his hands from the start of his MLC through BD and divorce. It is only by being triggered in the ways I am being triggered these days, and most especially having 5 years of not living with my exh under my belt, that I can recognize any of it.
I was an emotionally and financially abused wife. It's a heavy admission to make. I allowed it to happen because I thought it was the only way to save my marriage, because I was in so deep I didn't really understand what was happening at the time, and had no idea how to stop any of it.
Do not make the same mistakes. Get a lawyer ASAP. Ask if you should drain the joint account, put it in your name only for safe keeping. Seriously. Protect yourself at all costs. This marriage is dead. Whatever may come in a future relationship with your husband has yet to be decided and will have to be brand new. Read that again. I don't know if that will help you. I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth, as I see it. You are solely responsible for your own financial wellbeing as of when he BD'd.
Take care of yourself financially and legally and then you can get the poison out of your etheric body ... but you need the protection to be in place first, imho.
You're not alone; we are here for you.
Last edited by job; 07/28/2006:53 PM. Reason: edited language
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
