(((PLC))) I know this is hard. It’s not what you want and not what you were hoping for. From what I’ve learned here, the best way to fight against divorce is to not fight against it. D or not, you can decide to stand for your marriage. That is your decision, and D doesn’t have to change that. If your H has made up his mind, especially if he’s lost in MLC, he won’t be able to see clearly anything outside of his own head. He will resist any form of reasoning and he is not in a logical place right now. Read the end of my last thread—I very much regret trying to talk to my H as if he was a rational person, and I wasn’t trying to sway him from D, just have some closure on our M. I do believe everyone here is right: attempts like this are pointless, because these spouses can’t see clearly, and they can’t see you right now. To them, you are a reflection of their internal pain, and what they think they need to do is run from the pain.
You fight by accepting that H will make his own decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. How many times have I read, if you love your S, let them go? It was easy to understand this intellectually and so hard to feel this fully! You want them to be in an R with you because they choose it, not because they feel compelled to. You deserve a partner who will be there in good times and bad, just like the vows say! You deserve respect and love, and this H right now is unable to be that person. That doesn’t mean he can’t go on his journey and grow and be that person, but for now, you have to let him find his own way. By focusing on yourself and your happiness, which is the most important thing right now. By focusing on your children.
I needed to hear this again and again: letting him go and accepting that might mean D for now does not mean you have to give up hope for future R. It doesn’t mean your future has been written. But I think the more you can give up expectations that you can do anything to turn this around in the short term, the less you will hurt. It’s not on you to fix him, because you didn’t break him.
One moment at a time. Love yourself. Have compassion for how you are feeling. It is so hard. Maybe you can’t remodel the bathroom right now, but you can still dream about what you’d like to do in the future, H or no. What else could you do today or this week for yourself?
