Well, in the days since the terrible conversation, I have mainly been filled with more and more regret for engaging. I feel like I did so well for the last year, never pushing back against his narrative, not taking the bait, and I undid all that work with that convo. I guaranteed H will feel even more justified by pointlessly trying to share my feelings with him, by trying to y perspective of the SSM even as he was attacking me for it. At one point he again called me ungrateful for all he did for me during our M and said he would continue to sacrifice himself for his new partner, for whoever he was with, would do everything for them, because that is love. I see this as one of the big contributors to BD--he did this for me at the expense of his own needs until he seethed with more and more resentment. In our ill-fated convo I replied that I believed that we shouldn't rely on others for our own happiness, that we should make ourselves happy. See how I was trying to have a rational conversation with totally irrational H after he threatened me? I can't believe I said this and more to him. I just shake my head now.
I really, really wanted to look back on this time and have no regrets, and now I have this one, which feels big to me. And it's leading right into the D process. Has anyone else had a big slip-up like this? I don't regret it because I think walking away without comment would have changed H's mind or anything like that, but I do think it cemented his ugly, ugly view of me and our M. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it, but I am very disappointed in myself because I can no longer say I walked away without trying to influence H or challenge his views.
I'm waiting to hear back from a L I really want and have a consult with another next week. It felt so strange to call and say H was threatening me--I feel like I'm making it up or exaggerating for effect, even when I know I'm not--like I still want to make excuses for his unacceptable behavior as everyone around me is telling me this is emotional abuse. I slip and start doubting my own experience or our M and of old H vs. new H. If I wouldn't have stuck around for his blamefest, I would not have been spiraling in self-doubt now either.
When I met with IC on Sunday, she said, "Go get a L. Don't wait. Call today. He is not rational and he is not going to negotiate with you." So of course you all are on the same page. She reassured me that there is nothing I could have done or could do to change this, that H is projecting so much of his entire childhood and adulthood with his mom onto me, and the anger isn't just because of our M. That he hates himself for never being able to speak up, and he's painting himself as helpless in our M just as he has felt helpless in not being able to say no to taking care of his mom and her emotions. He's turning shame into blame. Childhood issues brought into adulthood... well, that is what they say about MLC. She also said, "No matter what you do, he's going to hate you. That's just where he is right now. It's going to be hard, but you have to accept it." This is obvious to me, but still hard to accept.
I've read a lot about spewing here and know it's totally the norm, but H's spewing feels like it's on a different level. It feels like the deepest hatred and disrespect. Is this strange? It scares me because I never imagined him capable of such extreme feelings toward me (or anyone, really) in all the time I've known him, and it's unsettling to think he could turn out this way, that I married someone who was capable of this. It like he's filled with so much resentment, he's made it so he'll never be able to recover a good memory from our time together. Reconciliation or forgiveness on his part seems not just unlikely but impossible, and he was so venomous that I can't imagine feeling safe with him again anyway. I'm okay with feeling that way at the moment. I don't want that kind of venom in my life. I opened myself up to it for too long because I guess some part of me thought I could still communicate with him, and I've lost my center momentarily. I need to somehow flush that venom out of my system--awful things he said during the convo echo like they did after BD.
