Thanks for your post on my thread. I know so much how you feel and my heart is aching for you (and me and all of us in these awful situations... but I just want you to know that I see you, I feel you, I am here with you.)
If I could possibly share one of your recommendation with me back at you... is it possible for you to try as best you can to stay in the moment and practice mindfulness? I know it is soooooo hard do to this. I am horrible at it. But, I just can't imagine it is serving you right now to think about your daughter's potential disappointment in 20 years of not having her parents together to take care of her own children. (Also, a lot can change between now and then, just saying.)
I can empathize so much with you in all of this. I also want my children to have the intact family that I had and H had. But much of that is simply not within your control right now. It is all to easy to spin when there is so much happening and it feels all out of your control. But... can you suss out what IS in your control, right now, today? Is it saying "not now" to those thoughts when they invade and save them for another time? Is it focusing on the small ways of being present with your children and listening with all your attention for a bit? Is it some small element of self-care or a call with a friend? Any ways you can find the space that YOU control and honor it, be grateful for it, and make the adjustments you can within that space to support yourself seems like it could be so, so helpful for you right now.
In/re him MO... I don't think you should be sorry you're looking forward to that. Besides not crying every day in his presence, what are the other positive things you can take from his absence? I spent a lot of time building up all the changes I would make to the house once H was gone and they are still very attractive to me... also after BD I went out and bought all new bedding for MY bed (even though he was still sleeping there at the time) but it was meaningful to me and I still really love my new comforter. Are there things like that you can plan for?
Also, hoping you can release some of the anxiety because I remember you saying before you weren't scared of him leaving because you guys had already been S... what is different now for you? The lease? Remember that this is all a process and if you guys are meant to be, another S isn't going to tank your chances for R. In fact, if you read the advice on my thread, folks are pretty explicit that Sing is probably the single fastest and most effective way of setting yourself up for R success. Let him go, focus on you, let him experience life without you there.
From the outside, I feel a little like the last S was maybe not set up for him at least to really feel the loss of you as his W, since he just got to dip in and be in the house without you there, which probably wasn't all that much different from being away when he traveled for work. Make this one real, if you can, for him. Don't spend time and energy on a soft landing for him. Focus on being the best Sage and best mom you can be, and let him fail out there on his own in the real world. He will, you know. Pommy's sitch seems very similar to yours in my mind and it wasn't till she really let him go and he understood he might really lose her that he flipped back. Your H has that possibility right there, I think. He did it that one time but maybe it was too easy for him to get you back.
And finally, don't beat yourself up for not being the queen of detachment. This is hard stuff. You WILL get through it, though. I have no doubt.
(((SAGE)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
