I really resonate with the quote about seeing a fallen image of himself in my eyes. I watch him struggle with this-- wanting to be mean and snap at me/push me away one moment and then lovingly questioning if I am OK as he sees that I am struggling today. Some days he slips and calls me 'babe' and is super friendly and loving and other days he goes to bed downstairs without even saying goodnight. I am on a daily rollercoaster and my stupid hope and forgiving nature allows me to naively jump back on every time.
Sadly, the kids and our 'intact family future' keep pulling me back in more than is probably healthy for me. I am desperate to give my children the upbringing I had (intact family with parents who adored each other). I know this may be beyond my control, but I can't help but question his current mental state considering what we had over the past 13 years. Does someone really 'flip' seemingly overnight? NO ONE in our life saw this coming, me least of all. I am either a blind fool, or H is going through a crisis that he may or may not recover from.
I am sad to say that I am looking forward to him moving out in a couple weeks. The daily reminder that I am unloveable to him is almost killing me. I am sick of crying every day (not in H's presence), I am heartbroken to hear my kids talk about future travel or life experiences that we will not have (D1 mentioned today that she wants to live next to us when she gets older so we can help take care of her hypothetical twin girls... that H will be such a good granddad and I will be the best Nana ever). I wish I was stronger and more resolved by this point, but I am just not. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and I am clinging to the hope that this is the worst of it and when he moves out I can move on, detach completely and be my best mom self.
