Finding patience and facing fear

[Rita]

((((((Kindly))))))

Your mind is out of control. Stop thinking. You can't think your way out of this.

You do not want to use this time to work on anything with him. That man is not your H. When/if your H reenters his body, you can work on things. That could be years from now. THAT MAN IS NOT YOUR H. You can't use your will, your behavior, your words or even your standing to get your man back into the body in front of you.

You will not have any peace until you can disconnect the guy that looks like him from the man you knew.

Your H is locked somewhere far away where you can't see him. The only person who has the key is your H. You don't have the key. You don't have the key. You don't have the key.

The other guy, the one that looks like your H, will do all kinds of crazy stuff. There is no point in talking to him about anything -- your R, his stuff, your $, your driveway, getting something fixed in the house. He'll be mean and nasty. If he's nice for a minute, don't even enjoy it. He'll be mean soon enough. Don't let him disrespect you. Leave the room. Tell him, "I am not ever going to allow you to speak to me like that," and leave the room. Do it every time.

Do you want to fix something in the house? Fix it yourself. If you can't, pay someone to do it. If you can't pay someone to do it, live with it.

Make a space for yourself and make it beautiful and just for you if moving is not possible or isn't what you want. Spend much of your time in that space. Make a garden shed you can enjoy alone, or a room in your house or a closet you convert. See friends, take walks in the woods, try to find whoever you are without H. You may or may not see him again. You can decide then if you want to talk to him.

Do you like to draw? Write? Make pottery? Do that. Create something.

Can you help someone? Write to a person in solitary confinement or an elderly person who is alone? Buy groceries for an elderly neighbor or mow her lawn? Do that. DO things instead of looking at all you can't do or he won't do.

I am telling you all this because I was you. I understand exactly how you are feeling/thinking. Maybe you can avoid some of what I endured.

Let that man who looks like your H go. Write letters to the real H and bury them in a box. Say everything you want to say, how much you miss him or hate him or why he ruined your life or how you want him back. Make a list of all the expectations you had of him and your marriage and title it, "The Expectations I Will Let Go." Hide the letter and look at it in six months. To the alien that looks like your H, say nothing at all. Smile, if you can muster it. But never respond about anything at all serious. He can't hear you.