Piecing Myself and Not My Marriage

[may22]

Hi Alison,

This is great. I feel like it should be a prescribed step on the piecing thread-- and maybe something to do regularly, just to check and see if there has been any progress in certain areas?

As I was reading through this all sorts of ideas popped into my head but I am going to keep them to myself, for now. What struck me as I read this, and having followed you for awhile now is this-- I think there are a number of things you *could* do, if you wanted, to take steps towards addressing some of the areas where you aren't feeling 100% with your H, to potentially draw him out, etc. But... do you want to? It seems to me that one thing this all takes for granted is that your S is someone you want to stay married to, and I'm not at all sure that is the case for you. Shirley Glass talks about giving up on your M right after BD being like trying to sell your house after a flood without repairing any of the damage. Spend the time and effort to fix what can be fixed and then decide if you still want to sell. I guess the question is how much fixing do you have to do before you decide it is better to cut ties than keep going?

I feel like I know the not-so-good parts about your H, and when he helps around the house/ does acts of service/ etc. What are the great parts about him? Why did you fall in love with him in the first place? Is that H still there?

I feel like the time and patience thing is huge, really huge. You can take the time you need to decide what you want to do. At the same time, I worry that going along with the same dynamics without any changes between you two might just mean that the resentment on both your parts gets more calcified. Is that a valid concern?