You’ve crossed my mind many times as I now approach my one year mark to BD. I was doing ok, focusing on me and spending lots of time between work and my family...but then something changed over the last month or so and I’ve fallen into a bit of a emotional hole. I’ve gone backward. He has many behaviours that trigger my sadness and “why is this happening” line of questioning in my head which leads to self doubt, hurt and then sometimes disgust (with him and his behaviour)
The L’s have still not exchanged any FD’s yet he has attacked me on numerous occasions still about getting our house sold. The evaluation date isn’t even settled yet as my L suggested a later one. He accuses my lawyer of stalling. When I talked to mine she said she hasn’t heard from his lawyer in over a month. So the game continues. All of my docs have been completed and officially signed off on. I also understand that he can not legally sell this house without my signature or without getting a court order which my L says will take “a very long time” and would prob be thrown out with the facts that I would present.(Health etc during pandemic and no FD yet) so the big question is why can’t I just live my life with him coming and going?
I don’t know.
It’s hard when it’s constantly in your face.
The unanswered WHY is plaguing me. I’m allowing it to. And that makes me angry at myself.
Why couldn’t we use this time to work on what he thinks is wrong? Why is he now putting effort into going out and going away with other people? Did I seriously hold him back for those things? Or worse, did he just not want to do them with me? If the later WTF not? Is it really simple enough to say here that people “fall out of love all the time”??
His behaviour and “happy” demeanour and his direct reports of feeling perfectly happy continue to make me question MLC, which spirals me to be,ie I guess that I did this, I caused it ....
Since I’ve been away from dB site, I’ve been yelled at / “told” over the most ridiculous things: -looking at him as he passed me in the hallway -opening a “special” bottle of wine -wanting to get something fixed in the house -“why we won’t be here..who cares leave it” -Misplacing keys to which he had a spare
His behaviour continues to be baffling: -gone from work-a-holic to COVID shut down since Feb/March. Stays in basement playing video games or excessively working out Or talking on phone loudly (laughing and living it up) -spent lots of $on new bike which I can count on two hands how many times he has taken out for a ride -In the last few weekends has made many efforts to go away “to cottage” I have no way of knowing if that’s where he is actually going and I know I shouldn’t be focused on that anyway but it hurts - has bought all new designer cloths fit for a teenager (Never gave a crap about a label for all the years I’ve known him) -continues to spend spend spend
One of my bigger concerns which will need to be addressed At some point, is that he is slowly taking over the entire garage and driveway of our shared house. I’m shocked the neighbours haven’t complained yet. It’s also putting a target on our house because he constantly has something new in the driveway ....today it’s a boat trailer !!!!!!!! I’m so happy I’ve taken advice from here and split our finances early on. I would have been in big trouble I think.
I think the biggest upset for me is how from the outside looking in it just looks like he’s “finally taking time for himself” because he’s not working. How does he not see that this was 9/10ths of our problem ?
As you can see I’m very scattered again right now. I am very busy at work, and am taking time for myself with friends and family but I just feel empty.
Thanks for any words of encouragement or advice to keep going. I’m really starting to feel like what’s the point...it’s too broken.
Hope you are all well and I will start catching up on your situations...
