I'm in a place where I never really thought I'd be - I'm now giving some serious consideration to filing for D and getting on with my life.
In terms of how I feel, I'm very ambivalent. On one hand, I do still very much want to work on things. My physical attraction to her is still very much there, and as I've beaten into the ground on this thread, the rapport is as well. It absolutely hurts, and it makes me sad and upset to think about. I can't pretend that it doesn't. On the other hand, it's clear from her actions that she isn't in the same place, even if I take her at her word about the separation agreement.
Heart wants one thing, even if that one thing is 1% likely to be the case. I feel like I've burned through the last walls of denial that I put up: she dragged the separation agreement discussion out for a year because she didn't want to deal with it, and she only really wants it to be in place so that she gets the best terms out of the D. Actions show someone's true intent, and her true intent seems to be to D.
So I guess knowing all of that, my impulse to D is to take back control and power, because I don't think it is fair or right to be put in this situation by her, and because I can't fully move on unless the door is closed. But there's also a voice in the back of my head that is saying, "Look, see how this plays out. Expect D. Mentally and legally prepare for it. Only sign the separation agreement if the terms are what you'd be comfortable with if she walked out the door the next day. But see how it plays out."
I'm also back and forth on how I would do that if that's what I ultimately decided to cut the cord myself. Should I just file, serve, and then basically block her across everything, only communicating through my lawyer? Or should I be a little more human about it, tell her my intention, and tell her that her choice is binary: start working on this, or I'm gone?
Sigh. Have to keep reminding myself: my best days are ahead of me. I'm strong, and I'm going to be fine.
