No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi all!

I hope summer is going as good as the covid situation allows!

It has been the first weekend of rowing against my instincts to show love and change to W. In terms of GAL, great fun at the beach with the kids. I got S6 to ride waves on a body board, was swimming with him, we saw a couple of small fish banks...

Saturday I smashed my 5Km and 1 mile personal records and I would have done the same with the 10km but I run out of town by 9.5 km and I was a bit lazy to go the extra half km hahaha. I was out having fun Saturday after Iput the kids to sleep and left them with my parents and I made some progress with the project I have coming up in August.

I have two massive demons fighting in my head. On the one side there is a train of thoughts that pushes me to stay calm, do my thing, hope for the best and be patient and let her be. On the other side I have all these thoughts about how unhealthy it is that I have been holding on to a dead M for a year almost, that W does not love me, does not care about me and how that should fuel me to move on and seek time with the people that are willing to receive my love. I am very tired of reading books about relationships, differences between men and women, habits and traits of healthy and lasting Ms and improved sexual practices to think about applying it with W and then crashing against the reality I live every day.

I am going to my first IC session today. It will only be to meet the people there and understand how it would work. I plan to cover there my problems and also why I cannot let go of my M and W and hopefully get help to detach and think about current R with W in a healthier way.

I know I cannot be centered on W and you guys are helping me a lot but I have been feeling very down lately due to her last interactions with me. As you know, after we signed the agreement and I went to her place to talk things through a couple of times the only things she has told me are that she "will not be with me right now" and that she has already said all she had to. I am sorry for bringing her up again but I am so frustrated with how closed she still is. It has been a year and it feels like the first day when she left, blamed me for everything and said she was done and had fought enough for us so she moved on to make a new live where I was not allowed to be in at all. I read other threads in the board and some people are talking to WAS way earlier than this, even if it is to politely ask if there are plans to take a summer trip with the kids.

I cannot understand when W says she is having an awful time, she cannot sleep well and she never wanted this but I pushed her to it but then when the opportunity arises to do something to have fun and move on from the S and the mistakes we both have made her answer is simply "I dont want to be with you, I am not happy, but neither was with you". I guess I am hurting more than a sensible person would because as stuck as I was in the mindset to win her back I always thought by summer this year we would have at least had a conversation about how we can move on pass the S. I need to work on my expectations, I need to kill them basically.

I have the feeling W is sheltered in her family at the moment. Yesterday when she called S6 she was with her brother and SIL at home and I bet she has no time to think about our family or myself, too bad, I am ready to give her a new R in both emotional and physical sense. There is something I wanted to ask here. As you know W told me I was to blame that we have not had a chance to talk by now because I went behind her back finding a second L and I was unfair financially. She said for her my value as a man was also shown via the conditions I wanted to reflect on our S agreement. My L agreed with W in the sense that withdrawing as much financial support as possible also shows what kind of person I am and my values. Are they right? I know I cannot nice my way back to M but this is so wicked. When I was nice and tried to show love and distance, I had been a monster, destroyed my M for 5 years and never cared about my vows. When I tried to be strong and enforce boundaries I was a monster for trying to remove financial support and hiring a L behind her. I feel like screaming at my pillow.

It does feel really bad to go against my poor instincts, I feel the distance between us is growing and eventually with time I will forget about our life together or at least I will not miss it as I do now, but I am a person of value and I deserve healthy relationships in my life.

Thank you all for your help and please keep posting!

all the best! Pack