Hi - quick journaling, even though there isn't much to really update. I think reading all of the piecing threads that have been reposted has been helpful for me to fully understand where we are at and be completely and utterly thankful that H has consistently put in the time and effort during this time both into our marriage and also himself. Sometimes I get very stuck in my head about stuff in the past, and don't want to be overlooking what the current circumstance is. The current circumstance of M2.0 has been awesome, even when I am sad about past stuff.
He has been deployed now for 3 weeks, but we are able to talk a whole lot, which has been nice. We had a lot of quality time before he left, and continued to do MC together and then IC individually. Our MC is fantastic, and I really like my new IC. There were some bouts before H left of some anxious attachment type responses - if I am upset or hurt, he gets scared that he is going to lose me (on his own, that is - I don't remotely threaten to leave or anything like that). He is currently working through this with his IC, as I've made it clear that seeing a huge shift in him having stopped that behavior before was one of the reasons I really wanted to work things out. What's great is I now know he is capable of that, over a stressful topic for an extended period of time. We have talked a lot about this.
We have talked a lot about everything in general. It's nice having him back. He has done all that he can do to make me feel as reassured and secure as possible. I sometimes am frustrated with myself, but know that some of this stuff just takes time to get distance away from. I've not remotely been worried that something will happen with someone else while he is gone. While I don't condone what he did, I understand where he was at, and he wasn't living a double life while being committed to me or anything like that. We did go through expectations and boundaries w/ others, which was important to do for when he is gone but also just overall. I've done better about taking time to examine how I feel before having some emotional long talk with him and ensuring that I am not getting carried away with some emotional tangent. There are definitely times where I feel resentful - I either work through those times alone, or sometimes talk to him about it and he has been very supportive and understanding. Ultimately, I feel more secure and connected to him then I did before, even while he is super far away and will be far away for a long time. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows - there are very difficult pieces and times, too. I wasn't (and honestly haven't ever been) scared to walk away from this, and am choosing it because I do believe in both of our changes. Some of him being gone again can be triggering for me, since last time I was without him, it was because we were S.
