Piecing Myself and Not My Marriage

[AlisonUK]

This will be long. But I am going to use the guidelines from the piecing thread to do a bit of an audit on where I am now, and what changes I might want to or be ready to make.

1. I often read posters ask how they will know when their WAS/WS is coming back and what signs to look for. My response to that is usually the same, "when your S wants back in, you will see a changed person and you will know. You won't need to ask when it happens because your instincts will tell you and you will feel the change." They will come to you and show you a person that is remorseful, transparent, and they will tell you in one way or another that they want you back. Do not fall for false starts or anything less than that.

He is extremely transparent. I have access to all his devices. I don't feel the need to check, but I could if I wanted to. He says he is committed and he is with me because he wants to improve things. He didn't really engage in any sustained way with IC and does not want MC (we had a bad experience with MC earlier in our situation and I think both of us very reluctant to repeat that. He has apologised, though I don't sense remorse, more of a wish to leave the past in the past and not be reminded of it, and a sense that I don't fully understand or empathise with his reasons for his behaviour. We have made an agreement not to bring up the past, and both of us aren't that great at sticking to that agreement.

2. First and foremost, in order for piecing to happen, both partners must be willing and (at least somewhat) ready to work hard at the R. Both partners, the LBS and the WAS/WS, must commit to making the M work, must be willing to look at their own mistakes, and both must be willing to make changes, on themselves and for the M. I say "somewhat ready" because there are varying degrees of self-growth that has happened during the sitch and often the WAS/WS hasn't started that process.

I would say that I never quite got to that stage of all in 100% commitment: I was too guarded, too angry, too resentful, and too invested in being the victim and injured party. And I think because he felt so blamed and I was clearly still so hurt, he was afraid of being my emotional punch bag for the rest of his life, so he was guarded too. This is something that never quite happened 100%. I get the sense we've both had one toe in the water, constantly eyeing the other for signs of backsliding and danger. There's not a lot of trust on either side right now, though it is, day to day, much much better than it was. I do see some important changes in his actions, though there is regular lapses on his side (and mine) on the important factors.

3. I think it's also important for both partners to be humble and accept that despite doing all of the hard work, there is still a chance that they may not get the outcome they hoped for. You must commit to doing the work with this understanding in mind. Both partners must accept that they other could choose to back out at any moment and nothing is guaranteed.

I think this is a real problem for us. I know I hold myself back because I don't want to be hurt again - I never want to be as vulnerable and 'in love' as I was. I think he's probably doing some version of the same thing. I think we both assume failure and difficulty, rather than a happy ending. Part of me just wants to be able to make the leap towards him, but I have been unable to do that AND be sufficiently detached and boundaried to take care of myself and my own needs in adult ways.

4. The SLOWER you move in piecing, the better. The process cannot be rushed or forced, and in doing so you will begin to move backwards in your progress and may cause additional harm. In every piecer that I have read here, the poster says in hindsight that they moved to quickly. I would say the same for my sitch even though I made an effort not to.

Yep. We moved far too quickly from initial R talks to him moving back in. And it happened because I was afraid if I put the brakes on he's change his mind. We are where we are but I can back up this point from personal experience - slower and more boundaried would have been better.

5. The DB rules (and Sandi's rules) no longer apply when piecing happens. To be successful, there needs to be open and honest communication, you will need to initiate contact, share your process with your S, and the walls should start to come down. On the flip side, DB is a way of life now and the healthy attachments, 180s, and GAL should be adopted as a way of life moving forward.

I have been very bad at this. I keep up my GAL as best as I can. My 180s are generally good but not perfect and fall out of my view when I concentrate on his 180s (or lack of them). I don't think my walls have come down and I know his haven't. We seem to be stuck here.

6. The less personal growth (detachment, 180s, GAL) that has been done during the separation, the slower the piecing should happen, because ideally this work should have been completed beforehand. While the LBS that was reading/posting here has often started this journey, and the WAS/WS has usually not, there is still an uneven surge of emotions/anger that make this very difficult to continue simultaneously. It must be continued so you do not give all of your energy to piecing. It is too emotionally taxing.

I think we both did some personal growth during our S. Me more than him. I have continued but at a slower pace than while he was away. I am not sure about him. I don't think I know his heart well enough to comment on that. I can see that he's changed some actions, and that he struggles with changing others. I know we both still carry anger and resentment about the wounds of the past and are apt to look through those lenses at the present, which makes things very difficult.

7. It is completely normal to feel tremendous relief when your S comes back. You have been held under water and then let up for air. This feeling will subside in a matter of weeks or months, as your new reality sets in.

Yes. It has been like this. I looked forward to a new romantic marriage. There was a very short honeymoon period followed by a few arguments, then this extended coldness and caution, punctuated by poor behaviour from him and massive withdrawal from me.

8. The LBS cannot continue to hold the mistakes over the head of the WAS/WS and/or punish them. The LBS cannot continue to hold the mistakes over the head of the WAS/WS and/or punish them. The LBS cannot continue to hold the mistakes over the head of the WAS/WS and/or punish them.

I don't think I punish, but I do think I would not need so much reassurance that I was loved and desired, and feel so sore about the lack of that, if I had truly forgiven and got over the mistakes of the past.

9. The WAS/WS cannot apologize enough times for the hurt their actions have caused! For the first year of piecing, my H said he was sorry once, twice or ten times in a day. He still does apologize when things come up.

We are a year into piecing and H has been very clear, for several months now, that he isn't going to apologise or talk about the past any longer. I do understand that. I feel the same for my part in our past, though we both lapse in this area when we're in an argument.

10. It is very important during piecing that the couple have support from a third party and this should come in the form of MC. The MC should be experienced with reconciliation, betrayal and have a pro-M belief system. This can be expensive, yes, but probably nothing compared to the cost of D!

We are not in MC. I think we're both very afraid of that, actually. It's part of the general climate of careful silence that has crept into this phase of our marriage. I would be willing to do something solution focussed. I have not asked H about this, but I suspect that he would not. I believe he considers MC to be a place where I trap him in a room with a professional and wail and rant about his flaws, as that is exactly how I behaved when I forced him into MC in the aftermath of his EA.

11. Triggers are going to come from every angle and at times you least aspect them. The dull ache of piecing could be interrupted by the sharp stab of a reminder of your post BD days, and this PTSD could mentally throw you back in time. The pain and fear is indescribable. It is important to hold the belief that like any other crisis in your life, they will lessen in time and eventually disappear. Please believe this.

I no longer feel triggered. I do have that constant dull ache though. It's very sad if I think about it, and so I avoid thinking about it with GAL.

12. The LBS will think about giving up, leaving, and walking away. You may think about it often or occasionally and you may even act upon it. Just remind yourself that time is on your side and there is never a need to make a decision hastily. Do not make decisions about anything when emotions are high. In fact, you shouldn't act on emotions in general or express them all to your S. Decisions will now be made with your mind and not your heart. Your heart will continue to change, but you have made the decision to try and make this work. Give it another 6 months or couple years, you have come too far to give up now.

Yep - I feel this often. I don't think I've ever been 'all in' to this piecing, and I think my hesitation has had an effect on my H. I often feel like leaving, and I could, pretty easily, though I have not yet. I am hanging in there.

13. PATIENCE.

14. TIME.

15. Then more patience and more time.

Yes. I have this horrible feeling: when do I get to stop WORKING on my marriage and just enjoy it? I don't have an answer to that. I do enjoy most other parts of my life though, which helps. My marriage feels more like a difficult and unrewarding task than a sanctuary right now.

16. You are both juggling several things and there is no perfect way to do that. Some moments you are discussing painful topics and working through the devastation. Other times you are making sense of what was wrong with the M before and how you ended up here. You still need to take breaks from that and build a new M together! There must be days when you just do something fun and don't discuss the past.

We really have a lack of fun. I don't think we have too many R talks either. There's not much in the way of humour or intimacy. I don't really want to have more R talks or analysis: I do think we each have a fairly good understanding of what went wrong, why it happened, and what needs to change. Despite all I say about my husband's flaws, I do think we're in basic agreement about what happens when things go wrong between us, and what our contributions to this dynamic are. Fun is hard to come by when we're both so guarded and on the lookout for hurt.

17. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves .... That is what they say. As we hold on to hard feelings we cannot move forward and it behooves us to forgive others. Most people need to have forgiveness for a successful R to happen, however how each person reaches that point is very individual and personal. I am still working on my forgiveness and it's been several years.

I definitely need more time on this. I still feel quite shocked at how my husband behaved - how frightening and traumatic it was to see him gone, and replaced by this entirely other person. A person I really hated. I still see glimpses of that other man - the nasty one - more often than I'd like - and that's what's keeping me at a distance from him.

18. Only surround yourselves with people that support your decision to R. Keep seeing your MC, your own C, read books, take walks, and do whatever you can to practice extreme self care. If anything or anyone derails you from your progress, stick it in a box to the left.

I am good at this. I have good friends. I have a faith community. I have GAL. I've done my best to keep this up during lockdown.

19. Remind yourselves that things will get easier and become more clear in time. The first few months, and possibly years, are so emotionally charged, and there are going to be set backs. It is important to accept that the path will not be linear. This does not mean that you have to quit or give up.

I need to keep this in mind. A lot of our conflict is about parenting of Eldest. He is challenging, and we may never agree, but we will also not be parents of a stroppy teenager forever.

20. Compromise is important in any M. However, neither person has to make sacrifices. If the LBS needs something, for example complete transparency, passwords, frequent reassurance, then they should say very clearly what that is. The same goes for the WAS/WS. Tell your partner what you need and what you want. In time they can either provide those things or they can't. But give them the time.

At the moment my needs for love and intimacy and safety are not met. My needs for faithfulness, transparency, financial reliability, equality in the domestic sphere and support with my career in practical terms are met. That isn't insignificant, I know, though I tend to concentrate on the coldness and forget all the other stuff, which matters too.