Perhaps what I do fear comes from the fact that I didn't take the time through the years to get to know myself better (because it was always US rather than ME) and to find the things I like to do or to build up a network of friends and family (Mum and Dad have passed away) as I always concentrated on my small family (Wife and kids) and so have lost my sense of self along the way.
Was your W pregnant when you got married? You were 16 when your first baby was born? That was a lot of responsibility for such a young man! With your parents gone now, are there friends/family that show support?
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Of course I understand that there are now certain conditions that I need for her to come back and I need to see that she is really remorseful this time (she didn't show remorse the two times she came back before) and I myself am trying to think more about what R may look like.
It's hard! It's not like making-up after a quarrel. It would be easy if that's all there was to reconciling. The WW has to go through a process, IMHO, which is heavy-lifting work for her. She has so much inner work to do on herself. Some WW's are very good actresses, and LBH's are too eager to get their W back, so then there's the problem of her coming back under false pretenses, so to speak. I don't trust WW's, and I'd advise every LBH to not trust them either. I also advise that H's don't verbally offer the WW what it would take to reconcile.........unless she asks. It's no problem for women to turn on tears and fake remorse, if they have ulterior motives for moving back with her H. So, even when you see tears, don't accept that as her being genuine. Don't get all on board about trusting her. The WW should work hard to get back with her H.........that's part of her process. If she goes to him, humbly apologizing and taking full responsibility for her behavior/actions, and asks him what it would take to reconcile, then he can tell her. Absolutely no further contact with OM in any shape or form. NONE! She must agree to complete transparency. He doesn't agree to transparency, as if to join in with her transparency......b/c he isn't the wayward spouse, and doesn't have to prove his word. Transparency is a very important part of the work she must do. I'll tell you more about that later. She must agree to sleeping in the same bed. Don't let her come back, to have her own room. I think it's wise to require STD tests, as a matter of protecting your own health. She must agree to attend MC (the H chooses the MC). Remember, she doesn't get to call any shots about reconciliation, b/c she is the wayward spouse. She can agree or disagree, but if she's not on board with your terms, then don't let her come back. Other things can be discussed, but if she comes off telling you how it will be done.........she's not ready. I'll leave it at that, she's not ready to reconcile.
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I have this underlying nagging that says that perhaps this decision is not fully rational due to the highs shes getting from the OM (I read that these changes in the brain chemical are quite addictive, like really addictive) and again this relationship is based on a fantasy (of what ifs) that isn't yet rooted in real life (showing their impatient sides, the morning fart, tidying the house or paying the bills etc).
You would be correct about your line thinking here. There is nothing rational about a WW, or what she does. One very large issue is how she blames her LBH for everything that went wrong......and/or goes wrong in her fantasy. IMHO, that is one of the distinguishing attributes of a WW.
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So that nagging doubt has planted the seed that should this new relationship with the OM go bust this "may" push her back into the reality based thinking and give her the chance to have clear rational thought without the highs of the OM being there. Its strange because I am not naive and I do tell myself that the OM could give her everything she needs and she will be very happy and even if the relationship failed I know that she may still not want to come back to the M. The LBS struggle is finding the right balance of hope that doesn't prevent moving forward and improving their life while not making decisions that appear like they have fully given up and moved on (for example for me that would be dating etc).
You will probably hear this statement, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst". That's about the size of it.
The dating thing is something you'll have to decide, just like whether or not to wear your wedding rings. Some are for it, some are against it. We see a lot of LBH's dating before they are legally divorced. I think the LBH's ego has been hurt so badly (rejection) that he wants reassurance that women find him attractive, interesting, etc. There's been cases on the board where the LBH thought he couldn't get through another day without his W. Then wham, he would meet some lady and suddenly he would be just fine with moving on without his W. Some of these fellows got into a long-term relationship with that particular lady, and some went on to dating other women. The thing that concerns me about jumping right into dating, is wondering how much they are codependent on some woman replacing his W, making him feel wanted, make him feel like a man again, giving him purpose, healing his heart, etc. I'm not telling you what to do, other than to be very careful. People talk about keeping the road back home paved smoothly, and I have my own opinions when it comes to the WW, but I've seen cases where the LBH got into another serious relationship (even a baby with OW), then the W would want to come back. Now, that LBH has placed some serious roadblocks getting back home. If he is not over his W, then what does he do? He has to decide who gets hurt. I know you were just thinking out loud, but I encourage you to be very careful, should you decide to date at some point.
(hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
