Yes the money situation can be an issue - I am in a similar boat.
I took small steps to insulate myself from Ws financial behavior over the past 21 months. It was necessary - and it had the effect of her seeing a glimpse that I kept things afloat and how I had insulated us from financial ruin despite such low salaries. It was a reality check, however brief.
At any rate - I dont pay attention to what W spends $ on anymore. It's her money, it's her debt. She doesn't pay things for me and I no longer pay bills for her. That was part of her wanting independence, so that's what I did. I didnt say I was doing it, I just slowly stopped doing it.
There are a few mutual bills that haven't had our names switched yet. I find this very odd because it's been nearly 2 years - but remember that logic doesn't work here. I leave that issue alone for the time being, things are calm and it's not important to switch the names at the moment (though when the anger phase was here I nearly did). If W decides to leave and says something, I'll do it then.
I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough day. Keep working at detachment - keep trying to separate your feelings from his. Trying to understand them when they are like this is a waste of our time.
I get so busy at work, I can’t give him any thoughts. It’s nice. When I got home, he wasn’t here. I started think of why this admission of a hidden bonus vs. other ones, bugged me.
I realized, he has received bonuses in the last 14 months, we had small conversations and it never bothered me. I think it is because he was short and aggressive in his tone. Something I have not gotten from him in 14 months. It returned me right back to that helpless feeling.
I told myself this morning that I would see how he interacts with me today. I won’t bring up the money, because I am going to take him at his word. He just came home. Was nice, we had a normal “how was your day” conversation. Nothing great, but this is all still relatively new within the last 2-3 months. He used to walk in, hide in the bedroom and I wouldn’t never see him.
So detachment and GAL are on the agenda. I’ve got stuff to do for ME.
Journaling- I have been dealing with this for 14 months. I think I have had more good than bad days, but lately, (I think due to quarantine) I have been trying to figure out why he behaves a certain way. I talked with my IC and when I tell her what he’s doing and why I think he’s doing it, she keeps asking me why I am trying to figure it out. I always reason, why I would do something and she tells me, we can’t be in people’s heads.
I woke up this morning, thinking about what she is saying and after reading some posts here last night. I think I have dropped the rope, but I haven’t. If I drop the rope, I truly do not give his mind any thoughts. Easier said than done after this long. I need to really, not try to decipher why he didn’t say hi, why he did say hi, why he brings home food to share every Sunday morning and why he more than half the time won’t eat what I cook.
I need to TRULY GAL. That is my goal moving forward. I still love the man, but I need to take care of me.
That’s right, mind reading will get you nowhere. Take control of what you have control over. It is human nature to be curious though, just keep in mind that you should focus your energy somewhere else.
Journaling-So within this last month, the thaw that I had been seeing has all but disappeared. I have been sad and trying to redirect focus on me, since I do not get any focus from him.
I had thought that maybe his OW2 (and whomever else he has out there) were maybe over since they are all out of the country. He has been at home for the most part working here and not out of state because of the COVID guidelines. ( we are California so still pretty much locked down)
This morning, he came in to take a shower and he left. He never says goodbye anymore, but when I got out of bed, I noticed that his overnightbag was gone. I texted him, to ask if he was working and he responded he was going to the desert to go riding. I asked if he would be gone all weekend and he replied yes.
Part of my IC is to set boundaries, not to ask if he can do something, but to let him know what I would like. So I responded that "I would like if you could please let me know when you leave to be gone overnight" (I have been successful in the past with doing this) He replied after a couple of hours "ok".
Then he sent me a picture of what I think looks like the border of Mexico like TJ. So I asked what it was for. He sent me a question mark. I figure that at that moment he realized he did the cardinal rule you don't break while texting, he did not look to make sure who he was texting and texted the last person, me.
So then since he questioned it, I said "it looks like Mexico, why did you send that?" he replied it was when he had worked there. (someone had a mask on-umm, liar) so then he said he was driving and could not text.
So I know he lied and drove to Mexico to visit someone or meet someone. I understand that, but why lie? If he wants out, why lie?
Can a veteran please help me to understand? Because what I come up with is that he is trying to explain it away so I am not mad. I mean, he does not know if I will change the locks and put his stuff outside. ( I won't)
I am trying to look at this weekend alone as all for me, and not think about it. But I would appreciate any help.
Im not sure there is anyone out there who can answer why he is lying.
But i just wanted to say that its the same here. I know about AP, as she is t a secret to me, but is a secret to everyone else. And we go from him telling me how she beautifully dealt with our son and held his hand, to lying to me that he has to leave early from having the kids because he is actually meeting her.
There is no logic to a sane person in these lies, i found its best not to question why?! It will drive you mad. Just accept that he lied. He has his illogical reasons that you will mever understand, that is just his reality at the moment.
I had myself a good little pity party. Sometimes this is so overwhelming. The party did not last long, and during the “pity” part I reminded myself that I have prayed that my husband returns to the marriage and if he is to return, he needs to get whatever he is going through dealt with. Maybe I am delusional, but I choose to stand and until my legs grow too tired, that is what I am doing.
I do know, that upon his return I am not going to be accommodating to him regarding food or ask him about his weekend. I hope to be able to just ignore him. I am angry, i am not confronting him, he knows he screwed up, even though he tried to paint a different picture, I know he thinks I fell for it. I have been disappointed but never have ignored in this whole thing. I have been to afraid to, I’m not now.
I realized this is just a moment in time. Just a moment. We are moving towards something. Just a moment. I can make it through.
Well, he came home from his little get a way. I was in his line of sight, so when he came in he mumble hi and went into the “isolation room”.
I went on doing my own thing, made dinner, put away the dishes. He just came in the room to walk into the kitchen. I did not even look at him or acknowledge him in any way. Before this weekend, I would have asked how his weekend was, asked if he wanted any food or just made small talk. I was mistaken thinking there was a thaw still happening.
This feel very weird. But I am mad. Honestly, if he can take off and I wish him well and ask about his weekend, that is some yummy cake he gets to have. I am disappointed, and really hurt, but he needs to be frozen out.
