A LOT to think about here, and thank you to all who have posted.
Blu - I have never seen that piecing thread!! Thank you so much for posting it. I have given it a quick read and on my first impression, I think I have been going down the wrong track in lots of ways. I have still been mainly DBing. I think some of my DB stuff - like the boundaries and the validation - are things I plan on keeping in my life always. But I have not been doing many of the other things, and I can see already from the lists on that thread that I have been making many mistakes. I also really appreciate reading your early threads - not that I am happy that it was difficult for you and that on many days you wanted to throw in the towel - but it makes me feel a bit less crazy that after all those months of wanting him back, and faithful, and committed, now he is and I am still not happy. I think he feels that way too.
IronWill - yes, I think, as much as I hate to admit it, we do have a quite exaggerated Mars and Venus thing going on in our marriage. Though I have been incredibly explicit with him. 'Bring me flowers now and again. Kiss me now and again for no reason. Initiate sex now and again and tell me you enjoy what we do together. Tell me in words I am special to you. Tell me you think about me during the day now and again.' I have been as blunt as that. I don't think he does not know what I need or what makes me feel loved. He has stopped trying to shame me or mock me for those needs - which he used to do all the time - but he hasn't started meeting them. And after a lot of self examination, I don't think those needs are unreasonable. He needs to be left alone and I do that to the extent that most evenings we are not in the same room together after the kids are in bed.
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So I worry about you that you'll always remain stuck here. Not quite bad enough to pull the trigger and go. Not really good enough to stay and be happy. I was so curious how this trip would be for you mentally, and it is interesting to me that you had some anxiety, lost a bit of the detachment, got pulled slightly back into the dynamic with your H. I was guessing you would take that space and continue to detach and move in that direction... I don't know why I thought that, but I did. I am just wondering why the space opened up a view back to the M for you, and all the attendant concerns, rather than the vista beyond.
Yes, I worry about that too. I don't want to be unfaithful and I don't have any interactions with men that are not 100% honourable - but I am guarding myself very carefully from socialising with male friends alone because, to be honest, it wouldn't take much to turn my head at the moment. I have not told my H that - I don't want to make that sort of threat, and it would be received as such, but I can certainly see how in a SSM an affair can happen. It is always the wrong thing to do, and I will divorce him in preference to cheating on him, but I think the corrosive and painful effect of having basic intimacy needs unmet and being shamed for having them has a really awful affect on a person. I have great GAL and lots of friends and interests - I'm almost grateful for our separation as it forced me to take action there, and it was needed. But that doesn't take the place of an intimate partner, and that feeling of really being wanted by someone, chosen above all others. I do not have that. There's no saying I would have it if I left him, of course. I take care of myself and have a good job and wide social circle so I reckon I'm a bit of a catch - but there are many excellent women and men who don't want to be single, and are. I guess I am choosing a practically-based marriage over singleness right now, but I may not always.
I don't know why being away from home disrupted my attachment. I didn't have any feelings that he would be unfaithful or anything like that. It wasn't that kind of anxiety. it just seemed a major move on my part - planning and booking and going away on a vacation without him, without much discussion with him, without asking him. I wasn't trying to hurt him - I just knew I'd have a better time without his company, and I didn't see any need to consult him on what I spent my own money and free time on. It kind of showed up the real state of things between us right now.
