Piecing Myself and Not My Marriage

[may22]

don't feel courted or desired and wanted in any way. I feel that he's committed to doing the right thing. I know everyone has to start somewhere and that commitment is a lot - but still, isn't not being loved. I don't feel loved. We have had the 5 Love Languages talk. I know he feels loved when I do domestic work that gives him rest and space, and then leave him alone to rest and recharge. He knows how I feel loved, and I do think he tries to do that, and I can see him now and again attempting to show empathy by delivering these 'empathic phrases' in a fairly rehearsed and robotic way, but he's cold.

Alison, I think my H could say the exact same words as you, here. He did say much of these same words with the IC yesterday. He doesn't feel loved by me. My LL are your H's and yours are my H's. He thinks I'm faking it to be physically close to him. He doesn't feel desired or wanted by me. I don't think I would respond as your H does, but I have often felt that the silent acts of service should suffice. I'm in a different place now, and I also feel committed to understanding and showing my partner in the future (whoever that may be) love in a way he feels and understands. I feel that step is one your H has yet to make, understanding that you are a different human being than he is, you have different needs and wants and desires, and his job as your H is to tell you he loves you in a way you get, not just in the way he would like to be told. That is his work to do and not yours, though I suppose if you want to you could tell him what you need and reinforce him for any baby steps in that direction.

So I worry about you that you'll always remain stuck here. Not quite bad enough to pull the trigger and go. Not really good enough to stay and be happy. I was so curious how this trip would be for you mentally, and it is interesting to me that you had some anxiety, lost a bit of the detachment, got pulled slightly back into the dynamic with your H. I was guessing you would take that space and continue to detach and move in that direction... I don't know why I thought that, but I did. I am just wondering why the space opened up a view back to the M for you, and all the attendant concerns, rather than the vista beyond.

I feel you are totally set to just cruise where you are, if you want to. You have all the tools you need to protect yourself and your boundaries and not let one single drop of your H's behavior affect you emotionally. But-- is that a life to live? The sentence about a marriage where you can only exist when you make yourself small made me sad.

I don't disagree with Blu's advice to just stay where you are. I think that is good advice. I guess I would just wonder what the trigger would be to decide where you are isn't good enough and what you might do then. I feel at some point, your H may be open to change... maybe Blu's point is that if you don't move, he'll eventually lean more and more in. Do you see yourself ever telling him, really, how you feel about all this? Telling him all the things you put in this post? would he listen? understand? be willing to change?