Thanks sandi2 I do completely get idea of GAL and trying to detach in order to actually move forward and that is the reason why I do not engage with my WW at all although that started more for my own sanity as things just seemed to be getting worse.
All of this started back for me in April so I have had at least some time for the emotions to settle down a little and the reality of the situation to settle in somewhat. I am not fearful of living alone although I have gone basically from living with Mum at 16 to living with my WW but I know I can cope alone both in dealing with situations that arise and financially. Perhaps what I do fear comes from the fact that I didn't take the time through the years to get to know myself better (because it was always US rather than ME) and to find the things I like to do or to build up a network of friends and family (Mum and Dad have passed away) as I always concentrated on my small family (Wife and kids) and so have lost my sense of self along the way.
Now that's not to say I am not having days where I really miss her, or I get angry the thought of her with the OM or I have days where I agonise if I should take our wedding pictures off the wall (is it better for me or not) or to remove my wedding ring, or when I hear a song on the radio that we enjoyed.
I certainly came to the decision quite quickly that I was NOT going to try and "convince" my wife to come back as I want her to come back on her own otherwise it would always feel false that she wasn't coming back because its a decision that she came to herself. Of course I understand that there are now certain conditions that I need for her to come back and I need to see that she is really remorseful this time (she didn't show remorse the two times she came back before) and I myself am trying to think more about what R may look like.
At least I can say I have started to work again on my own life and I can say I have had a true period of self reflection that has allowed me to understand where I failed in the marriage. I've started reaching out to extended family that I have not seen or spoken to for a long time, I am back exercising again and waiting on the swimming pools to open back up here as I would like to get back into swimming (something I enjoyed but stopped). I have always worked from home so I have never had a chance to build up a network of friends so I am looking into things that will allow me to meet new people although with Covid that is a little on the back burner right now but as things ease I will look at that again (meet up, college course etc). I now have full control of my own finances again so I am also looking at getting myself back into a better financial position as well.
When I think about my WW I think she has walked away and she is her own free person, she has the right to do that, I can't control that and I have to accept that's the decision she has made but again when we talk about the mindset of the WW and we talk about the "fog" and limerance I have this underlying nagging that says that perhaps this decision is not fully rational due to the highs shes getting from the OM (I read that these changes in the brain chemical are quite addictive, like really addictive) and again this relationship is based on a fantasy (of what ifs) that isn't yet rooted in real life (showing their impatient sides, the morning fart, tidying the house or paying the bills etc). I read that these type of relationships (started from affair, rebound or whatever you want to call it) are just not healthy and will likely fail within the 1st year. So that nagging doubt has planted the seed that should this new relationship with the OM go bust this "may" push her back into the reality based thinking and give her the chance to have clear rational thought without the highs of the OM being there. Its strange because I am not naive and I do tell myself that the OM could give her everything she needs and she will be very happy and even if the relationship failed I know that she may still not want to come back to the M. The LBS struggle is finding the right balance of hope that doesn't prevent moving forward and improving their life while not making decisions that appear like they have fully given up and moved on (for example for me that would be dating etc).
