You are correct that there is not very much info on the topic in general. I wonder if that is because so few of us make it there, people might stop posting when they get to that point, and also I would add for me that visiting here became painful reminders of the past when I was trying to move forward. You can see how much I struggled with that when you read my threads.
So Sandi and myself laid out these lists of conditions that we believe you need in order to piece an M back together again. I am going to reread what I wrote and see what I can add now that i am a couple more years out. I am not sure there is any one size fits all approach, but I do stand firmly that it takes TWO committed people. The common thread in all of our situations when we come to this board is that we are the only one that is willing. So the focus shifts to "how can I get my partner willing or how can I get them back." And sadly, we cannot control that. We can only let them go and become a better partner/person our-self and just hope that they see that and decide to come back.
I am continually impressed at your insight into yourself and your M dynamics! You describe the classic distance-pursuit scenario playing out between you guys again and again. And you describe frustration that as you pull back, he softens and shows improvements, you find yourself re-attracted, but you also know once you move towards him he will soon become shitty. So, if you want my advice, you stay right where you are and you don;t move. You don't have to pull back but you don't have to move in. You can accept his pleasant and loving actions from your safe space. You can continue to wait and take your time. As you can see this takes sooo long to unfold, what is a little more time anyways?
Can you just remain in your safe space? This is a place for you and there is not a label for this -- such as, DBing, Ring, Piecing-- but you are holding a place for yourself that perhaps was lost in so many years of grief, fear and disappointment. Can you simply accept his loving and supportive behavior only? Take his lead. If he expresses anger or frustration, you can pull back further. If he asks for more, you can share your fears and tell him you will no longer tolerate his cruelties ever again. It's as if you are very slowly retraining him on how you will allow him to treat you. Teaching takes time. Re-teaching takes even longer.
I do actually believe people can change. I have watched it happen with my H and with myself. The hard part is to see into the future at how very, very long this takes and how very slowly it can happen. We are not the same people we were 20 years ago, 10 years ago and even 5 or 2 years ago. But we can shape the people we will become in the future years to come. You never have to accept his shitty behavior again and you can also continue to do better yourself with or without him there. This will unfold in time.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
