Caught in limbo

[sandi2]

I think the problem for men like myself is choosing to accept our marriage is over or if we should hold onto hope that the WW gets some sort of wake up call (perhaps relationship with OM won’t work out). I mean she says it’s over so should I accept that or is that just fogged up brain talking? But what if it’s not?

Well, let's look at the definition of hope.

as a noun:
1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
2. a feeling of trust.

as a verb:
1. to want something to happen or be the case.
Similar: expect, anticipate, look for, wait for, etc.

Hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. As a verb, its definitions include: "expect with confidence" and "to cherish a desire with anticipation."


When a newcomer arrives on the board, what is he seeking? Answers, fast solutions, emotional support........and most of all.....something to pin his hopes to. When he begins reading posts, his "hope" may experience a sudden dip. He doesn't want to hear the reality. He just wants assurance and hope. Although I came here from the other side of the street, I think I can understand a newcomer wanting hope to save his marriage. I mean, who wouldn't? However, I am a realist and a former WW, and I believe the newcomer should know what he's up against, and know what he going to pin his hope to. In other words, I don't think you can pin your hope to the wayward wife.

You'll hear us say things like, your M is dead/over and/or have no expectations. Kind of sounds like we are shooting down any hope at all, when you first read it. Actually, we are trying to get the newcomer to shake his own foggy head, so that he can see with perspective vision and apply effective methods/techniques. Otherwise he'll pin his hope to some person, event or occasion to bring his WW home, and then he'll experience devastation with every little negative along the way. He'll try to say something that will shock her awake. He sets himself up for more letdowns by falling into this type thinking. I've seen a lot of LBH's crash & burn b/c they just wanted the WW to hurry up and snap out of it, so everything could get back to normal again. There is more involved than just her coming out of the fog. Don't be fooled into thinking everything falls back into place, once she comes out of the fog. I use the term "fog", but I think it can be somewhat misleading. She's willingly in this fantasy she's created, and she doesn't want it to end. If OM dumps her, there's a chance she'll go looking for OM#2, b/c she wants the feeling she gets from the fantasy.

IMHO, reality gives a harsh slap in the face of fantasy. Some gals need more reality than others! That's one reason I support letting go and allowing the WW to deal with reality, just as if she was divorced from the LBH. Your WW isn't ready to file for divorce, so that tells me she benefits from being legally married to you. Currently, she feels she gets the best of both worlds. Facing the results of her decision to cheat may cause her to have more anger toward her LBH.....or the world, b/c well......her heart isn't what it should be. On the other hand, it could be the first step in her realizing that she brought this on herself, and lead to making right decisions. It's a matter of "want to", and sometimes the WW just doesn't want to. That's why I believe in good old fashion humility. It works wonders. More about all of that, at another time.

So, back to your questions above, should you hold onto hope that your WW gets some wake up call? My short answer is yes, but what will you do with your time until wake up occurs? Is your life put on ice until some day when the fog disappears and she sees reality......you start living again? Should you accept that the M is over........b/c she says so? The WW says a lot of things, even rewrites the marital history, but that doesn't mean it's true. Here's the thing, rather than arguing with her or try to convince her that the M can be saved, and tell her how committed you are to working on it and how much you love her, yada, yada...........you stop all of it. She won't listen and it will simply make her more resistant. The more the LBH tries to persuade his WW to reconsider, the uglier she'll treat him, to show him she is done. Is it her fogged up brain talking? Yes, b/c she's in a romantic fantasy and she's trying to convince you the M is over.......so you'll back off and stop pressuring her. That's why I said the LBH accomplishes nothing by trying to talk her back. The WW doesn't care how committed her H is to working on the MR, b/c his commitment and/or his love is not the issue here. She's not interested. She's the one who is not committed or feeling the love for her H. So, what does the frustrated LBH do? That's what we'll discuss, if you can let go of the idea that you can talk out of the fog.

You asked, "But what if it's not", meaning what if it's not the fogged brain talking. Okay, would you do something differently? She tells you the M is over. What would you do, if you were positive it wasn't the fog speaking?

Here's what I'm thinking, and you can correct me if I'm wrong. It seems your hope is being pinned to the idea that she'll snap out of the fog and be the W you've always known. You hope this is something that will pass, and then she'll come home. Your fear is that she may not be speaking from a fogged mind. Perhaps it is easier to believe it's the fogged brain talking, b/c you see it as buying time to wait until she wakes up. Otherwise, you could feel pressured to drop the rope and move on with your life.

Newcomers say they want to fight for their marriage. Okay, in what manner will you fight? What I have seen in a lot of people who describe themselves as "fighting for their marriage".......is actually just fighting with their spouse, and getting nowhere. I, for one, am not trying to take anyone's hope away, or tell them not to fight for their M. I want the newcomer to consider another method of fighting for his marriage.......a more effective way, when dealing with a WW. If he doesn't want to do it, then that's his choice, I can't make him do it.