We come to the forums looking for “answers” and we say we’re no contact and maybe we are but we are still holding onto that hope and still googling those search terms and not detaching as we really should because our brain is tricking us to fight and to keep going.
Some of are perhaps logical in nature and we look at limrence (affair fog) and it’s 6 - 18 months, so is that how long I hold out? Is this what’s causing her to act this way rather than to see there is value in the marriage.
There is so much conflicting information both in our research and in our brains that at times we’re hoeing with each day that we make it through that we’ll have a lightbulb moment that switches to just tell us our marriage is over and the hope we held is distinguished, but instead we wake up in the morning and for that brief moment it’s all right until the grief washes over you until it’s time to get up and the struggle between hope and detachment and no contact begins again (hopefully today a bit easier this time)
That's the dilemma. My first thread was titled "Why Keep Hope?"
I understand the concept of getting a life and detaching. It makes for an easier transition, but I wonder if it's good at all to hang on to hope. It seems WAW are the hardest to turn around, and as I read the threads, I don't see a lot of success stories.
This is what I wrote in my second post:
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I get that the changes are for me. It almost seems like having no hope makes the changes completely about me. The having hope part keeps the changes about her (partially, at least).
I think sometimes we keep hope because of fear. My life is different. I will probably always feel that if I could go back in time before BD, I would try as hard as I could to save my marriage. But, even though my life is different and I have regrets, my life is good. My daughters have adjusted well. I don't have a partner in my life who had grown to no longer respect me... who I walked on egg shells around (because of what SHE was going through). I've been dating my GF for 10 months. Right now, things with her are much better than they had become with my XW--and I'm going to try as hard as I can to keep it that way.
Humans are hopeful creatures. We hope for things so that we don't have to deal with negatives. "I hope it doesn't rain tomorrow during the picnic!"
No other creature on earth hopes. Deer don't hope it doesn't rain, they just seek a mostly dry place to wait rain out.
Can too much hope affect your ability to DB. Absolutely. We see examples of that in the board all the time. That's why I cringe when I see LBS making threads like "I don't want a divorce!" We have to realize that despite what we hope for, we have to be ready to deal with negatives appropriately. Thread titles like, "Being a spouse only a fool would leave" or " moving onward and upward!" Are so much better. They show the LBS's willingness to deal with their reality on a positive way.
LBS that put too much focus on their WAS are the ones that end up paralyzed by hope. There LBS that focus on themselves can still have hope as long as their actions are rooted in the reality of their situation.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We come to the forums looking for “answers” and we say we’re no contact and maybe we are but we are still holding onto that hope and still googling those search terms and not detaching as we really should because our brain is tricking us to fight and to keep going.
Some of are perhaps logical in nature and we look at limrence (affair fog) and it’s 6 - 18 months, so is that how long I hold out? Is this what’s causing her to act this way rather than to see there is value in the marriage.
There is so much conflicting information both in our research and in our brains that at times we’re hoeing with each day that we make it through that we’ll have a lightbulb moment that switches to just tell us our marriage is over and the hope we held is distinguished, but instead we wake up in the morning and for that brief moment it’s all right until the grief washes over you until it’s time to get up and the struggle between hope and detachment and no contact begins again (hopefully today a bit easier this time)
That's the dilemma. My first thread was titled "Why Keep Hope?"
I understand the concept of getting a life and detaching. It makes for an easier transition, but I wonder if it's good at all to hang on to hope. It seems WAW are the hardest to turn around, and as I read the threads, I don't see a lot of success stories.
This is what I wrote in my second post:
Quote
I get that the changes are for me. It almost seems like having no hope makes the changes completely about me. The having hope part keeps the changes about her (partially, at least).
I think sometimes we keep hope because of fear. My life is different. I will probably always feel that if I could go back in time before BD, I would try as hard as I could to save my marriage. But, even though my life is different and I have regrets, my life is good. My daughters have adjusted well. I don't have a partner in my life who had grown to no longer respect me... who I walked on egg shells around (because of what SHE was going through). I've been dating my GF for 10 months. Right now, things with her are much better than they had become with my XW--and I'm going to try as hard as I can to keep it that way.
I think the problem is modern society has turned into a binary society. On every issue or topic you are either for our against it, no middle ground. And this creeps into our thinking. "If I have hope then I have to be doing things all the time to try to"fix" my marriage. If I don't then I have to completely give up and get a D and move on!" But there are middle states, where you can be hopeful things turnaround, and still not be doing things that are "working on the marriage". And that's where DBing is so powerful. It is a middle state between trying to "fix" it, and completely giving up on it.
And it can be done. You can still have have hope and DB well. Many of us have done it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I think as well we look to "diagnose" the issue and when we say we have a WW we are hoping that's a "diagnosis" and therefore we need to find the "cure". Again going back to people like myself that are quite logical in nature I think to myself am I hanging on because she is "Wayward" and if she gets knocked out of that waywardness (out of the fog) could we have the chance to R?
So the hope for me comes from thinking about it all too logically I suppose. Perhaps when she was in this vulnerable place emotionally and the other man saw that and pounced on that (yes she still made a choice) our fate was sealed. All the brain chemicals fully kicked in and she was now in the throws of this affair (albeit EA before separating and then it becomes PA). So what does my logical brain take from this? perhaps this A and all these changes in her brain chemicals are really clouding her judgment about the M and are clouding her true feelings for me (although she says she doesn't love me any more). So if she is able to get some clarity by lets say the affair ending (again logical brain says relationships like this don't last as they are not set in the real world and both are showing each other their best selves etc etc etc) then what's left?
Then on the other hand she sits next to me one day and says calmly she is sure her feelings will not come back and we should be friends and I look at her and there is nothing that shows me I should disbelieve that BUT then I tell myself the above to convince myself that perhaps what she is saying is being said is because her emotions/feelings for me are being clouded by the addiction she now has to the OM.
Would I struggle as much if she had just said she was done and walked away without the OM in the picture? I don't think I would struggle as much. Where I do struggle and what I think a lot about is what part is having the OM playing in the decisions she is making and is having the OM preventing her from seeing our M is not as bad as she has convinced herself it is and is the high of the OM a factor in making these bad decisions that she is making and preventing any healthy thoughts of R. Yes I know she can still make conscious decisions but how healthy is she thinking anyway.
I think the problem for men like myself is choosing to accept our marriage is over or if we should hold onto hope that the WW gets some sort of wake up call (perhaps relationship with OM won’t work out). I mean she says it’s over so should I accept that or is that just fogged up brain talking? But what if it’s not?
Well, let's look at the definition of hope.
as a noun: 1. a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. 2. a feeling of trust.
as a verb: 1. to want something to happen or be the case. Similar: expect, anticipate, look for, wait for, etc.
Hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one's life or the world at large. As a verb, its definitions include: "expect with confidence" and "to cherish a desire with anticipation."
When a newcomer arrives on the board, what is he seeking? Answers, fast solutions, emotional support........and most of all.....something to pin his hopes to. When he begins reading posts, his "hope" may experience a sudden dip. He doesn't want to hear the reality. He just wants assurance and hope. Although I came here from the other side of the street, I think I can understand a newcomer wanting hope to save his marriage. I mean, who wouldn't? However, I am a realist and a former WW, and I believe the newcomer should know what he's up against, and know what he going to pin his hope to. In other words, I don't think you can pin your hope to the wayward wife.
You'll hear us say things like, your M is dead/over and/or have no expectations. Kind of sounds like we are shooting down any hope at all, when you first read it. Actually, we are trying to get the newcomer to shake his own foggy head, so that he can see with perspective vision and apply effective methods/techniques. Otherwise he'll pin his hope to some person, event or occasion to bring his WW home, and then he'll experience devastation with every little negative along the way. He'll try to say something that will shock her awake. He sets himself up for more letdowns by falling into this type thinking. I've seen a lot of LBH's crash & burn b/c they just wanted the WW to hurry up and snap out of it, so everything could get back to normal again. There is more involved than just her coming out of the fog. Don't be fooled into thinking everything falls back into place, once she comes out of the fog. I use the term "fog", but I think it can be somewhat misleading. She's willingly in this fantasy she's created, and she doesn't want it to end. If OM dumps her, there's a chance she'll go looking for OM#2, b/c she wants the feeling she gets from the fantasy.
IMHO, reality gives a harsh slap in the face of fantasy. Some gals need more reality than others! That's one reason I support letting go and allowing the WW to deal with reality, just as if she was divorced from the LBH. Your WW isn't ready to file for divorce, so that tells me she benefits from being legally married to you. Currently, she feels she gets the best of both worlds. Facing the results of her decision to cheat may cause her to have more anger toward her LBH.....or the world, b/c well......her heart isn't what it should be. On the other hand, it could be the first step in her realizing that she brought this on herself, and lead to making right decisions. It's a matter of "want to", and sometimes the WW just doesn't want to. That's why I believe in good old fashion humility. It works wonders. More about all of that, at another time.
So, back to your questions above, should you hold onto hope that your WW gets some wake up call? My short answer is yes, but what will you do with your time until wake up occurs? Is your life put on ice until some day when the fog disappears and she sees reality......you start living again? Should you accept that the M is over........b/c she says so? The WW says a lot of things, even rewrites the marital history, but that doesn't mean it's true. Here's the thing, rather than arguing with her or try to convince her that the M can be saved, and tell her how committed you are to working on it and how much you love her, yada, yada...........you stop all of it. She won't listen and it will simply make her more resistant. The more the LBH tries to persuade his WW to reconsider, the uglier she'll treat him, to show him she is done. Is it her fogged up brain talking? Yes, b/c she's in a romantic fantasy and she's trying to convince you the M is over.......so you'll back off and stop pressuring her. That's why I said the LBH accomplishes nothing by trying to talk her back. The WW doesn't care how committed her H is to working on the MR, b/c his commitment and/or his love is not the issue here. She's not interested. She's the one who is not committed or feeling the love for her H. So, what does the frustrated LBH do? That's what we'll discuss, if you can let go of the idea that you can talk out of the fog.
You asked, "But what if it's not", meaning what if it's not the fogged brain talking. Okay, would you do something differently? She tells you the M is over. What would you do, if you were positive it wasn't the fog speaking?
Here's what I'm thinking, and you can correct me if I'm wrong. It seems your hope is being pinned to the idea that she'll snap out of the fog and be the W you've always known. You hope this is something that will pass, and then she'll come home. Your fear is that she may not be speaking from a fogged mind. Perhaps it is easier to believe it's the fogged brain talking, b/c you see it as buying time to wait until she wakes up. Otherwise, you could feel pressured to drop the rope and move on with your life.
Newcomers say they want to fight for their marriage. Okay, in what manner will you fight? What I have seen in a lot of people who describe themselves as "fighting for their marriage".......is actually just fighting with their spouse, and getting nowhere. I, for one, am not trying to take anyone's hope away, or tell them not to fight for their M. I want the newcomer to consider another method of fighting for his marriage.......a more effective way, when dealing with a WW. If he doesn't want to do it, then that's his choice, I can't make him do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandi2 I do completely get idea of GAL and trying to detach in order to actually move forward and that is the reason why I do not engage with my WW at all although that started more for my own sanity as things just seemed to be getting worse.
All of this started back for me in April so I have had at least some time for the emotions to settle down a little and the reality of the situation to settle in somewhat. I am not fearful of living alone although I have gone basically from living with Mum at 16 to living with my WW but I know I can cope alone both in dealing with situations that arise and financially. Perhaps what I do fear comes from the fact that I didn't take the time through the years to get to know myself better (because it was always US rather than ME) and to find the things I like to do or to build up a network of friends and family (Mum and Dad have passed away) as I always concentrated on my small family (Wife and kids) and so have lost my sense of self along the way.
Now that's not to say I am not having days where I really miss her, or I get angry the thought of her with the OM or I have days where I agonise if I should take our wedding pictures off the wall (is it better for me or not) or to remove my wedding ring, or when I hear a song on the radio that we enjoyed.
I certainly came to the decision quite quickly that I was NOT going to try and "convince" my wife to come back as I want her to come back on her own otherwise it would always feel false that she wasn't coming back because its a decision that she came to herself. Of course I understand that there are now certain conditions that I need for her to come back and I need to see that she is really remorseful this time (she didn't show remorse the two times she came back before) and I myself am trying to think more about what R may look like.
At least I can say I have started to work again on my own life and I can say I have had a true period of self reflection that has allowed me to understand where I failed in the marriage. I've started reaching out to extended family that I have not seen or spoken to for a long time, I am back exercising again and waiting on the swimming pools to open back up here as I would like to get back into swimming (something I enjoyed but stopped). I have always worked from home so I have never had a chance to build up a network of friends so I am looking into things that will allow me to meet new people although with Covid that is a little on the back burner right now but as things ease I will look at that again (meet up, college course etc). I now have full control of my own finances again so I am also looking at getting myself back into a better financial position as well.
When I think about my WW I think she has walked away and she is her own free person, she has the right to do that, I can't control that and I have to accept that's the decision she has made but again when we talk about the mindset of the WW and we talk about the "fog" and limerance I have this underlying nagging that says that perhaps this decision is not fully rational due to the highs shes getting from the OM (I read that these changes in the brain chemical are quite addictive, like really addictive) and again this relationship is based on a fantasy (of what ifs) that isn't yet rooted in real life (showing their impatient sides, the morning fart, tidying the house or paying the bills etc). I read that these type of relationships (started from affair, rebound or whatever you want to call it) are just not healthy and will likely fail within the 1st year. So that nagging doubt has planted the seed that should this new relationship with the OM go bust this "may" push her back into the reality based thinking and give her the chance to have clear rational thought without the highs of the OM being there. Its strange because I am not naive and I do tell myself that the OM could give her everything she needs and she will be very happy and even if the relationship failed I know that she may still not want to come back to the M. The LBS struggle is finding the right balance of hope that doesn't prevent moving forward and improving their life while not making decisions that appear like they have fully given up and moved on (for example for me that would be dating etc).
Perhaps what I do fear comes from the fact that I didn't take the time through the years to get to know myself better (because it was always US rather than ME) and to find the things I like to do or to build up a network of friends and family (Mum and Dad have passed away) as I always concentrated on my small family (Wife and kids) and so have lost my sense of self along the way.
Was your W pregnant when you got married? You were 16 when your first baby was born? That was a lot of responsibility for such a young man! With your parents gone now, are there friends/family that show support?
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Of course I understand that there are now certain conditions that I need for her to come back and I need to see that she is really remorseful this time (she didn't show remorse the two times she came back before) and I myself am trying to think more about what R may look like.
It's hard! It's not like making-up after a quarrel. It would be easy if that's all there was to reconciling. The WW has to go through a process, IMHO, which is heavy-lifting work for her. She has so much inner work to do on herself. Some WW's are very good actresses, and LBH's are too eager to get their W back, so then there's the problem of her coming back under false pretenses, so to speak. I don't trust WW's, and I'd advise every LBH to not trust them either. I also advise that H's don't verbally offer the WW what it would take to reconcile.........unless she asks. It's no problem for women to turn on tears and fake remorse, if they have ulterior motives for moving back with her H. So, even when you see tears, don't accept that as her being genuine. Don't get all on board about trusting her. The WW should work hard to get back with her H.........that's part of her process. If she goes to him, humbly apologizing and taking full responsibility for her behavior/actions, and asks him what it would take to reconcile, then he can tell her. Absolutely no further contact with OM in any shape or form. NONE! She must agree to complete transparency. He doesn't agree to transparency, as if to join in with her transparency......b/c he isn't the wayward spouse, and doesn't have to prove his word. Transparency is a very important part of the work she must do. I'll tell you more about that later. She must agree to sleeping in the same bed. Don't let her come back, to have her own room. I think it's wise to require STD tests, as a matter of protecting your own health. She must agree to attend MC (the H chooses the MC). Remember, she doesn't get to call any shots about reconciliation, b/c she is the wayward spouse. She can agree or disagree, but if she's not on board with your terms, then don't let her come back. Other things can be discussed, but if she comes off telling you how it will be done.........she's not ready. I'll leave it at that, she's not ready to reconcile.
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I have this underlying nagging that says that perhaps this decision is not fully rational due to the highs shes getting from the OM (I read that these changes in the brain chemical are quite addictive, like really addictive) and again this relationship is based on a fantasy (of what ifs) that isn't yet rooted in real life (showing their impatient sides, the morning fart, tidying the house or paying the bills etc).
You would be correct about your line thinking here. There is nothing rational about a WW, or what she does. One very large issue is how she blames her LBH for everything that went wrong......and/or goes wrong in her fantasy. IMHO, that is one of the distinguishing attributes of a WW.
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So that nagging doubt has planted the seed that should this new relationship with the OM go bust this "may" push her back into the reality based thinking and give her the chance to have clear rational thought without the highs of the OM being there. Its strange because I am not naive and I do tell myself that the OM could give her everything she needs and she will be very happy and even if the relationship failed I know that she may still not want to come back to the M. The LBS struggle is finding the right balance of hope that doesn't prevent moving forward and improving their life while not making decisions that appear like they have fully given up and moved on (for example for me that would be dating etc).
You will probably hear this statement, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst". That's about the size of it.
The dating thing is something you'll have to decide, just like whether or not to wear your wedding rings. Some are for it, some are against it. We see a lot of LBH's dating before they are legally divorced. I think the LBH's ego has been hurt so badly (rejection) that he wants reassurance that women find him attractive, interesting, etc. There's been cases on the board where the LBH thought he couldn't get through another day without his W. Then wham, he would meet some lady and suddenly he would be just fine with moving on without his W. Some of these fellows got into a long-term relationship with that particular lady, and some went on to dating other women. The thing that concerns me about jumping right into dating, is wondering how much they are codependent on some woman replacing his W, making him feel wanted, make him feel like a man again, giving him purpose, healing his heart, etc. I'm not telling you what to do, other than to be very careful. People talk about keeping the road back home paved smoothly, and I have my own opinions when it comes to the WW, but I've seen cases where the LBH got into another serious relationship (even a baby with OW), then the W would want to come back. Now, that LBH has placed some serious roadblocks getting back home. If he is not over his W, then what does he do? He has to decide who gets hurt. I know you were just thinking out loud, but I encourage you to be very careful, should you decide to date at some point.
(hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So my WW called me about her mobile phone as its still in my name and she asked me to cancel it so that she could get her own contract in her own name, so thats all be done. We spoke for about 40 minutes calmly about various things like about our house (I am keeping it, paying for it and staying in it) and she was concerned about what would happen if I was to meet someone else what would happen to it etc. I told her the house is protected as we are not divorced and can't be for 2 years (in the UK) and we could decide what will happen should divorce be on the cards at this time.
I don't know it was a very strange calm talk as if we had both resigned ourselves to the fact that marriage was over. Which of course it is because shes said it is and is moving on with the OM.
We chatted about the future and she said she was going to look at some private rentals near her workplace, I asked her if she was going to live alone or if the OM was moving with her. I suspect that the OM is going with her but she said she hadn't thought that far ahead yes but as far as I know they are full steam ahead but of course I have no idea (not that it matters). I told her I was ready to work on our marriage but of course would not do that with the OM on the scene, I said to her at this stage I have some hope but I will not put my life on hold and I need to move forward for me and work on myself.
I told her that I really hope she has thought this through and that she wasn't making decisions based on her feelings right now for the OM but she of course started the blame shifting (albeit not as forcefully) saying it wasn't but that it was due to our finances and the fact I didn't spend much time with her (to an extent this is true as finances where a source of tension but we did have plenty of disposable income and I have always worked weird hours being self employed) and she said she had been unhappy for a couple of years and she knows she should have spoken up about it but then she just clicked with the OM (puke). I told her I want her to be happy and if that means its without me then that's her decision and so we should move forward with our separate lives.
Right now I just don't know how much of a WW is talking rather than this just being the natural end of a marriage (albeit she left with someone else waiting in the wings). At this point we have nothing else to discuss so there is no reason for us to be in touch now for quite some time. I guess this conversation left me deflated somewhat and that little light of hope has distinguished and isn't feeling as though it pulling me back now, its still there but it feels like more of a distant hope that if things are going to change its not going to be for sometime (perhaps if the relationship with the OM fails).
I remained calm and tried to show no emotion and tried to be a lighthouse should she be able to find her way back.
So as it stands I move forward as a single man and start doing things for me (bought a new bed, got some new paint for bedroom and I have re-arranged the furniture in the living room and taken down pictures of her, wedding ring is still on).
Ive not commented on your post before as i've been on holiday - fortunetly i got back onto the coutry 8 hours prior to them enforcing quarantine from Spain.
Re your sitch.. As others have said, you seem to be handling this well.
Originally Posted by WMWB
I don't know it was a very strange calm talk as if we had both resigned ourselves to the fact that marriage was over. Which of course it is because shes said it is and is moving on with the OM.
Leave her to her new fantasy. Statistically, this will end in a car crash. You just don't want to be anywhere near it.
Originally Posted by WMWB
We chatted about the future and she said she was going to look at some private rentals near her workplace, I asked her if she was going to live alone or if the OM was moving with her. I suspect that the OM is going with her but she said she hadn't thought that far ahead yes but as far as I know they are full steam ahead but of course I have no idea (not that it matters).
These questions are none of your business.. The conversation went on for way too long and shows WW you are attached.
Originally Posted by WMWB
I told her I was ready to work on our marriage but of course would not do that with the OM on the scene, I said to her at this stage I have some hope but I will not put my life on hold and I need to move forward for me and work on myself.
Too much information and stinks of persuit. Avoid these conversations.
Originally Posted by WMWB
I told her that I really hope she has thought this through and that she wasn't making decisions based on her feelings right now for the OM
Why ? You have read numerious posts over the past weeks. You know WW act on emotion. You are trying to apply logic with them statements. Logic and emotion are like petrol and water.. You don't mix them and its stupid to try.. You will not get through to her, so you just waisted 40 minutes of your life where you could have done something productive - a workout, a run, cut the lawn etc
Originally Posted by WMWB
but she of course started the blame shifting (albeit not as forcefully) saying it wasn't but that it was due to our finances and the fact I didn't spend much time with her
classic WW BS - never their fault and you caused this - standard operation WW procedure.. Don't get drawn in.
Originally Posted by WMWB
she said she had been unhappy for a couple of years and she knows she should have spoken up about it but then she just clicked with the OM (puke). I told her I want her to be happy and if that means its without me then that's her decision and so we should move forward with our separate lives.
Just a couple of years ? - you must have been doing something right then.. I had 6 months, then 12 months, then unhappy since our first child was born ( 8 years ) - WW don't know what they are saying and will change anything and everything when it suits.. She dropped her boundaries, but refuses to take any responsibily - Common.
Originally Posted by WMWB
its still there but it feels like more of a distant hope that if things are going to change its not going to be for sometime (perhaps if the relationship with the OM fails).
You are still young ! - and your children are adults. You have the world at your feet - like literally ! - You have no concerns over custody battles etc - you are in a great position, so make the most of it.
Originally Posted by WMWB
I remained calm and tried to show no emotion and tried to be a lighthouse should she be able to find her way back.
You are still very much in the LBS fog.. in the next few months, the rose tinted classes may drop and you may see that your WW wasnt / isnt all that - and you move on anyway - I think it was Steve who researched this and found that at some point 92% of WW try to wriggle back... ( although it may take years ) - by then, the LBS has moved on anyway. You are young, so focus on you.. Enjoy life. I am a couple of years older, but was where you are now in Jan 2019.. Now i wouldnt change anything - My WW going WW was the best thing to happen to me..
Last edited by MrBrside; 07/26/2009:33 PM.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Yes the conversation was indeed too long, I got my high for 40 minutes and now feel like crap. Not saying back to square one or anything but at least we don't have anything else to have to chat about now for a good while so I can start to detach again.
Also agree about asking the personal questions should have left it alone, I guess as her husband I have been so used to taking care of her that it was a natural question to make sure she was going to be alright. However if she said she didn't know I would have said well you need to think about that now (I wouldn't have offered help). Its up to her to look after herself now and she has the OM so if she needs something she can ask him.
I do believe she is in a fantasy right as in real life has not touched this new relationship with the OM yet it all so new and each is showing each others good sides. So we shall see what happens with that. She's thinking ahead however with the new flat rental and all.
When she shifted blame I just acknowledged what she said and moved on. To be quite honest it seems like she think shes done nothing wrong at all about how she's handled things. Doesn't see the texting the OM "as friends" although she kept it a secret which of course lead to the EA and because the PA only happened after we where separated the first time and the fact she told me about it she seems to think that everything she has done has been honest and she has packaged it all up as marriage was bad he did this and that and I did everything honestly, shes working straight out the cheaters handbook. She will quickly gloss over her faults by saying "I should have said I was unhappy" or "I should have been more forceful when you where buying something and I didn't agree". All well and good saying that now when you've moved on an have no interest in reconciliation.
What annoys me the most is I have made made so many changes and done so much work that she recognises and now she is vocalising at least some of her faults (expect the one where she let the OM in) and YET because she is now so deep in the fog and fantasy nothing can be done with any of it. Such powerful knowledge to be able to move forward to have made our marriage stronger (if the A didn't happen OR at least she recognised and was really remorseful for that as well)
I had some really great gadgets I sold to pay off our credit cards so I guess I will perhaps buy some of those back (as I am a tech/gadgets guy) but this time I will do it differently and buy these will cleared funds (no more debts for me) and will buy those back over time. I was an impulse buyer and I recognise that now so won't be going back to that again. Time to save for the future whatever that may hold.
Yes I am certainly in somewhat of a unique position as my children are adults and I am still quite young. So I am looking at it I did my life a little backwards, had the kids and settled down young so now I can live a little although I am not all of a sudden going to be come a party animal lol.
