Caught in limbo

[BL42]

From what I have observed from LBH's on the board for several years, the majority simply have no idea just how much of a change his WW has made by the time OM has set up residence in her head. If I had the power to get two messages across to LBH's, it would be the fact that he can't talk her back into his arms, and he can't nice her out of her wayward mindset. The most effective thing he can do, is to let her go.........and do it quickly & firmly, without giving any opportunities for her to "meet up with him to talk". I'm not saying you have to file for divorce, if you don't want it. I'm not saying you have to stop loving her. At this point in the sitch, talks don't solve the problems. In fact, most H's do more damage when they try to have a talk with his WW. This may sound contrary to what you've read or heard, but you are dealing with a hard-hearted WW. Your W is openly disrespecting you and the M, and there needs to be some action that will jerk her head around a couple of times. The most effective, IMHO, comes when the WW realizes she has truly lost her H. When she knows he isn't interested in her, or how she's feeling......or what she's doing. He isn't concerned. When she sees him moving forward, having a life without her, it usually sends a message to her fogged out mind. WW's are very arrogant, and she doesn't think of herself being dumped by the LBH. She thinks she has two men wanting her to pick one of them. What I'm telling you may sound crazy, and maybe everything you thought you knew about women and about marriage is spinning in circles. Why? B/c this isn't just any woman. This isn't about just any marriage problem, where the two of you can sit down and talk things out. You are dealing with a stranger. She's uncooperative. She's selfish. She's unreasonable. She's a liar and deceiver. She does things you never thought she was capable of doing. There's a lot of books written to help couples in their MR. Not as many written on this subject of WW. The WW doesn't want help. She doesn't want you fixing her. So, you are rather limited on what you can do to bust a divorce. I don't say this to discourage you, but rather to help you see the real issue, and learn what you can do about it. That leads me to what I've been saying about letting her go.

sandi2 - This paragraph really resonated with me, and is helping me to start to understand the situation better. For quite awhile I couldn't understand how my wife would be completely unwilling to work on our marriage (especially with two young children) on what seemed to be common martial issues (I.e., not "major" problems, at least in my mind). I thought we can definitely work through this. However, words like stranger, uncooperative, selfish, unreasonable, liar, deceiver all hit the nail on the head for my wife over the last 5-6 months...words I'd never use to describe her prior to BD. If you have time I would love for you to read my situation, 'WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce", and comment with any thoughts and feedback you have.