Trying to Detach

[may22]

Caligirl!!! So great to hear from you. I have been thinking about you recently and wondering how you are doing. I'm glad you're well. You have been such an inspiration to me in the whole detaching thing, staying off his roller coaster and putting one foot in front of the other. xoxoxo. I was just telling Wayfinder about you, she's in that same place you were where your H wanted back and you weren't sure how to trust it... if you have a sec to check in on her thread you might.

And both you and Blu nurses... I have so much respect for you both and what you're doing while I just sit around and feel sorry for myself because my H is an @ss. There are so many tragedies happening out there and maybe I just need to get some perspective. I am so fortunate in so many ways. I will get through this, regardless of what happens, anyway. I know that to my bones. I just don't WANT certain things to happen.

Blu... so good to hear from you too!! I'm in this weird place where half of me wants to magnify his flaws, focus on the worst of him, and use that as fodder to get me to the next phase of my life without him. The other half wants to see him as a flawed human being who has made mistakes but is capable of change. I have probably been leaning more on the bad parts of him here than the good parts.

He is absolutely nothing like 45 and if the words I'm using here makes it seem that way, then I'm really remiss. I know I do focus there in these pages, because it has been a helpful tool for me in detaching. But if I was to plot out those character flaws on a scale of 0-10, 10 being the worst possible (45), he is probably, honestly, like a five on the entitlement, four on the empathy (he is good at it when it doesn't involve making him feel like he was doing something wrong-- then it is harder for him), seven or eight on the not being able to take responsibility for stuff. This last one is the biggest. He has a really hard time with this-- even little things, like breaking a glass, his first instinct is to yell "MAY!" like I did something wrong. (In the old days, he would have found some reason to blame me or whoever was closest-- glass was put away in the wrong place, etc. Now, actually, he can control that and doesn't do it anymore.)

I talked to the IC about that conversation I had with my friend and my concerns around it. I'm not trying to minimize it-- in fact, I do think that if we split I will lean heavily on these character flaws-- but I also think I was being a bit dramatic when I posted this. I did spend some time and thought of a bunch of situations where he did, in fact, take responsibility and apologize for his behavior and make a concerted effort to change. Not just with me, but with others too-- his family, friends, friends-of-friends, etc. The kids, even. I guess the enormity of this current betrayal is just so great that it made it hard for me to compare to anything else. In the end, I do believe he is a good person and worthy of forgiveness, if we should go that route.

The other thing I have seen change in his words, starting back in May but with a lot more fleshing out and detail now-- is how hard he thinks the work will be in forgiving himself, reconciling his own behavior with his values, forgiving himself for the damage done to me and the potential damage to the children. This sits very heavy with him, as I think it should. I believe he had set up a perfect narrative that worked well for leaving (and would also work well if I boot him to the curb), where our R was unfixable, I didn't really love him anyway, and so he had no choice/ was fortunate enough to find love the second time around.

Whereas-- at least in his head--staying and working on the R means he needs to face all of this. (I believe he should face it regardless of where we end up, but that is what is in his mind.) I think it is a positive sign for his own growth and understanding that he at least realizes the work in front of him and how difficult it will be. I know he's worried he can't do it. Scout said at one point I was stopping him from growth by staying with him. After a lot of thought, I actually believe that by leaving him I'd be enabling his continued fantasy and stopping his potential growth (unless he hit absolute rock bottom). I think the only way he actually does learn and grow from this experience is by making a decision, sticking with it, and doing the hard work that it will entail.

I have to say that the fears I have around D, particularly 50-50 with the children, have magnified dramatically over the past couple of weeks. I talked yesterday with the IC about putting my own fantasy D to bed this past week. I think even while I was pooh-poohing his polygamous fantasy world, I was believing the parts I wanted to believe-- that he'd be OK with the girls sleeping here six out of seven nights a week, supporting me financially, etc etc. As I have been reading through a bunch of other threads where S has already happened and the tide is moving inexorably towards D, I realize that once we move into the "non-team sport" D arena, there is absolutely no way he would give me everything I'm asking for. And it probably also wouldn't be best for the kids either. So I'm back to the "it is worth the shot" to try to work it out with him, assuming he wants that too, because even if the chances are slim the reward is so great compared to the alternatives. And, what's the worst I lose? Time? So what?

I know I deserve the best. And I'm not getting it right now. But I still think that the possibility of M2.0 with my H, who is the only human being who can both be my partner and the father of my children, is worth the shot.

Took a bath and went to bed last night without really talking much to H. Haven't talked much today. Still don't know if he has done what I've asked, assuming no because I feel he would have told me. He's been tactile, hugs and leg touches and hand holding. I am trying soooooo hard not to ask. If we go, we're pushing back the date a couple of days (originally thought Saturday now probably won't be till Monday or Tuesday) so there is that too. I could use moral support in not GAF and not asking what is going on if anyone is around (and thinks that is the right path... I know many of you think I shouldn't even be contemplating this step at all, but that is where I am).