It has been a couple months so time for an update. It feels strange to talk about my M when there are so many more pressing issues in the world. So I will just put that here first. Work has been rough. We are seeing a surge that we worked so hard in our area to flatten (the curve) initially. We lost 2 coworkers in the last week. One was an incredible nurse and I adored her. My heart is aching. More coworkers are calling off out of fear of being at work or feeling ill themselves. So more patients and less staff means more work/stress for the rest of us. I just worked 80 hours in the last week. I feel tired and frustrated. My biggest frustration comes from the way our country's leadership is handling this pandemic, that responses are more political than based on science, and on people's refusal to wear masks and practice physical distancing. Our family has been mostly home, we have cancelled our vacation, and we are very mindful of protecting our community and ourselves. I am just dumbfounded how many people refuse to acknowledge what is happening because they themselves are not sick or don't know someone that is. If anyone spent a day with me at work I am sure they would change their tune real fast. I find myself fantasizing about moving ... I am also troubled by how we are handling current racial/social injustices in and out of our healthcare & prison systems. All of this is weighing heavy on me. .... now I will step off my soapbox and carry on ....
My M is okay. I have started to lose track of the timeline and I find that to be a relief. I also do not get emotional triggers like I did for the first several years of piecing. I can drive by places that used to hold significant memories and not notice or think much of it now. On a daily basis things seem fine. Mostly we are balancing work and our kids. This quarantine has had significant impacts on all of the children (one adult) for different reasons that I won't get into here. That has been a bigger focus than working on our M of course. We have also done some nice projects or started planning them. We took a camping trip where we were able to keep physical distance and it was beautiful and fun. I would like to plan another one next month. I see my H trying. He has been better at upholding his own boundaries and letting go of his MNG traits in a way that he did not before. Sometimes I think he is better at processing things and talking about feelings, whereas I would rather sleep on it and avoid issues. I feel emotionally tired. It is hard for me to be optimistic when I cannot create things to look forward to in the future. Right now I do not see an end in sight and continue to be at greater risk with my job description and the nature of this. I have to swallow my own bitterness at watching others carry on as usual.
Conversely, being forced to live more in the moment has been good for me as well. It has forced me to see what is in front of me and to be more present, with my H and with my kids. I am trying to be more patient with everyone. I am trying to practice gratitude that I have my health and my family.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
