Here's a story about a woman who has two men who are dancing to the tune of "Pick Me", and I'm guessing it isn't hurting her ego. I suspect your WW and her AP had a lover's spat, that week she went back home. Then they quickly made up. She had her reasons for not wearing her wedding rings to work, and not wanting you to drive her there. She didn't dump the OM. She was either punishing him for something........or she had her feelings hurt by him, and ran home to be comforted. However, she knew she wasn't ready to end the affair, and therefore, keeping you out of her workplace and the rings out of sight while she continued things with OM was her intent.
I'm going to give you a couple of important tips, should she want to return home again. 1) She must not continue working with her AP. No exceptions! One of them must find another job or location, so they aren't "thrown" together in the workforce. Affairs are extremely addictive, so she can't see him at work every day, get a text from him, or even voice mail. 2) If/when you take her back, don't have sex with her right away. I think LBH's see having sex as a way of "sealing the deal" with his WW, but it doesn't seal anything ........just as your W proved how two-faced, underhanded, and calloused a WW can be. When or if you decide to take her back (notice I'm saying when/if you take her back).........it should be under your terms. She doesn't get to call the shots. You are the betrayed, and as we go along you will learn what you need to require from her, in order to have a much better chance of a successful reconciliation. I've given you two, and here's a third one. Don't let her come back (reconcile) with the premise you'll sleep in separate bedrooms. Like I said, don't have sex right off the bat, but do sleep in the bed together.
From what I have observed from LBH's on the board for several years, the majority simply have no idea just how much of a change his WW has made by the time OM has set up residence in her head. If I had the power to get two messages across to LBH's, it would be the fact that he can't talk her back into his arms, and he can't nice her out of her wayward mindset. The most effective thing he can do, is to let her go.........and do it quickly & firmly, without giving any opportunities for her to "meet up with him to talk". I'm not saying you have to file for divorce, if you don't want it. I'm not saying you have to stop loving her. At this point in the sitch, talks don't solve the problems. In fact, most H's do more damage when they try to have a talk with his WW. This may sound contrary to what you've read or heard, but you are dealing with a hard-hearted WW. Your W is openly disrespecting you and the M, and there needs to be some action that will jerk her head around a couple of times. The most effective, IMHO, comes when the WW realizes she has truly lost her H. When she knows he isn't interested in her, or how she's feeling......or what she's doing. He isn't concerned. When she sees him moving forward, having a life without her, it usually sends a message to her fogged out mind. WW's are very arrogant, and she doesn't think of herself being dumped by the LBH. She thinks she has two men wanting her to pick one of them. What I'm telling you may sound crazy, and maybe everything you thought you knew about women and about marriage is spinning in circles. Why? B/c this isn't just any woman. This isn't about just any marriage problem, where the two of you can sit down and talk things out. You are dealing with a stranger. She's uncooperative. She's selfish. She's unreasonable. She's a liar and deceiver. She does things you never thought she was capable of doing. There's a lot of books written to help couples in their MR. Not as many written on this subject of WW. The WW doesn't want help. She doesn't want you fixing her. So, you are rather limited on what you can do to bust a divorce. I don't say this to discourage you, but rather to help you see the real issue, and learn what you can do about it. That leads me to what I've been saying about letting her go.
I can almost read some LBH's thoughts. First thing he wants to do is tell her he is letting her go! Anyone reading this who might find themselves in this type of situation......please listen up. Forget about telling your WW you are letting her go. Don't tell her how you feel. Don't share your thoughts. Don't jump the gun and tell what all you would require in order to reconcile. Don't pass along some catchy saying you read off the board. Here's the thing. You have been betrayed, and openly disrespected by the one who stood before God, and maybe a lot of people, and took vows to stay faithful. Well, I'm going to let you in on a secret. She hasn't been thinking about her vows. At the moment, she doesn't care what she said during that wedding ceremony........b/c her moral/religious values have pretty much been cast aside. She is not guided by the integrity, honor, principles, etc., that perhaps she once had. Her emotions are in control. When she crossed the line, it opened the door and ushered her into a place where there is no logic or reasoning. It's all about her! Everything is run by whatever she's feeling at the moment. She may be smart as a whip, but emotionally, she's messed up. You can't reason with a wayward, once she starts acting out her fantasy (and rebellion). The WW has to see the consequences for the decisions she made to betray her H, and tear apart her family.
Now, let me quickly add something else. Everything a WW does........comes from her own volition. She willingly crosses the inappropriate line that should be clearly drawn between her and other men. A lot of problems come when these lines are blurred. I think social media, the convenience & privacy of cell phones, & some apps have helped in blurring lines for a lot of people. Unfortunately, many people use the excuse of talking to a co-worker, as if it's all strictly business/professional.........when in reality, it has moved to a more personal, or even intimate level. I suppose everyone has their own opinion about this subject, and this happens to be mine.
Before I close this post, I want to impress the importance of not jumping into something without first talking about it here. It's not that anyone wants you dependent on the board to make your decisions. Anyone in your position experiences a roller coaster of emotions, especially the desire to do some action that would influence your W. However, newcomers need time to digest what we try to put out here, and we can't say everything in a couple of posts. Know what I mean? So, make sure you really know, before stepping off into dark water.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
