I really sympathize with where you are. After BD we become hyper-focused on all the details surrounding if they will come back, what we can do to facilitate that, how we should behave/process/cope, etc, and so we lose site of the bigger picture. I think of that time as fight-or-flight mode. So during that heightened response we suppress a lot of our feelings and core beliefs. When our partner comes back and begins to recommit to the M, we start to feel secure and safe again. After the initial wave of relief settles, those suppressed emotions start to bubble up to the surface. It can be confusing and complicated to manage. This is one of the reasons that piecing a M back together again can be so challenging. I recall this time clearly. You are seeing his wrong doings and betrayals clearly for what they are. At the same time, you appreciate his positive efforts and small changes. You are walking a very fine line and a very long line of balancing 1. working together to understand and fix past problems and 2. moving forward and creating a healthier relationship. This is hard to do simultaneously. It is especially hard to do when emotional triggers, fear and mistrust are present. It took me and my H several years to navigate this. My H and I did several things including IC, MC, read books, Retrouvaille, and I can't say how much they helped anymore than the passing of time.
We just passed the 5 year mark. I cannot lie, it is still hard to reconnect and accept things will never be like they were the first 10 years together. Sometimes the best thing to do is just feel what you need to feel and accept how hard it is but trust and believe it will not be that way forever. Time does heal all. Shall I link the thread on piecing?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
