I may have mentioned this before, but in addition to re-reading NMMNG as necessary, I've also been participating in some classes held by Dr. Glover as well as working specifically with a NG coach. it's been immensely helpful.
(If anyone would like the contact information, happy to share.)
Given what I've been struggling with - and with UC's wise words in my sails - our last session was about guilt, shame, and forgiveness. During the session I like to make little notes to myself in order to remember the key points but also as a reminder to flesh out and elucidate my understanding when I've had more time to let it sink in.
I wanted to share my longer thoughts on this session with everyone, first to get some feedback from the larger crowd and incorporate their perspective, but second because it might be helpful for someone who is struggling with similar issues to read.
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Is it guilt or is it shame?
It is important to separate the two. Guilt is an internalization of doing something wrong, a natural response rooted in humility and apology. It is healthy, and says, "I made a mistake and I apologize." Shame is adjacent, but much more personally harmful. Whereas both acknowledge fault and implicitly demonstrate intent to make amends, guilt acknowledges mistakes as a part of the imperfect human condition, while shame considers the mistake a part of an overall pattern of flawed brokenness. Guilt can be healthy if addressed with an empathetic, open heart and used as a learning experience; shame causes fear and staticness, leaving you not only more prone to repeat the same mistake, but locked inside of a self-damaging cycle that is very difficult to break out of.
The Importance Of Forgiving Yourself
Forgiveness is a wonderful gift, and sadly one that most people are much more likely to bestow upon others than themselves. How many times have you raked yourself over the coals for a mistake that you made, while if a close friend came to you, upset, confessing the same mistake, you'd reassure them and remind them of all the good they bring into the world? It's a simple lesson: treat yourself with kindness and compassion, just as you would anyone else that you love. Forgiveness given to you - from yourself or from others - does not mean that the offending act didn't happen, or that it didn't have impact. It is simply an acknowledgement that as a human, we make mistakes despite our best intentions. Making a mistake or hurting someone inadvertently is very different than doing so with intention; the former is forgivable, is human, and can be re-framed as a part of a larger growth story.
One small thing about my M that I can clearly recall is a handful of times where my WAW would be very hard on herself about something, and I'd stop her and say, "Hey, don't say that. You're talking about someone I love!" Of course, the internal dialogue of the NGS often says things that we'd never say about someone else, or accept to be said about someone we care about. Stay on top of this tendency, and love yourself.
I wasn't OK, but I am now
As a continuation of forgiving yourself, you might occasionally find yourself at a crossroads where you look back on past actions with remorse and a heavy heart. Remember: there is no shame in having made mistakes; that is human. There is shame however in not learning from them, and locking yourself into a shame cycle where your self-image as a broken person causes you to say static. If you commit to growth, from learning from your mistakes, to making amends for those you may have hurt, and to forgiving yourself -- there is no shame. Only growth. And with growth as a shield, you can start to re-frame that remorse as a time in your life when you were still figuring things out. You weren't OK then, but you are now.
Expectations/Resentment
Resentment, put simply, is a relationship killer. If left unchecked, it is an open wound that will only grow further infected, growing in size and seriousness until it is out of control. Very few instances of resentment are simply forgotten, and an equally small amount remain in quarantine, not spilling over and affecting other aspects of the relationship.
The #1 creator of resentment is expectations that went unfulfilled. Those expectations could be said or unsaid, implicit or explicit, one-time or a recurring theme; it doesn't matter. When your partner is expecting one thing and receives another, or worse, nothing at all, it is damaging and needs to be addressed.
Ironically, many of the most basic expectations, the ones that are consistently understood as a component of a healthy relationship, are the ones that are most frequently ignored and therefore ultimately cause the most damage. Think about what is assumed and goes without said as an expectation of your partner: you expect trust. You expect safety. You expect respect, care, and loyalty. And often, those are intertwined - you cannot have safety without trust, you cannot have loyalty without safety.
This is why for something as basic of trust, you must take a hard line, just as an alcoholic must approach alcohol with a very specific and very measured plan of action. The slippery slope is just too steep - it's far too easy to extrapolate what else your partner might be lying about; after all, if they are willing to lie about something small, who knows what other lies they might be telling?
This is not to say that you will be honest 100% of the time, without ever taking a misstep. That's impossible; we are human, not robots. But whether it is the story of Chernobyl or just about any high-profile scandal you can think of, it's always the cover-up so much more than it is the crime. Furthermore, there's a great silver living to this mistake: if you do mess up, imagine how much closer it will bring your partner to you if you show vulnerability, show contrition, and show character by owning up to the mistake. Not only do you avoid the resentment that inevitably comes as the lie unravels, but you have signaled to your partner your intentions as an honorable man, one that be relied upon and trusted with their safety.
