In speaking with the IC today I think I'll add one more to the list of his major flaws: entitlement, lack of empathy, and inability to take responsibility for his own actions. I was talking about this with my good friend today, who knows H well, and telling her these have always been personality traits of his I don't love. in fact, I feel I can trace most of my beefs with him to these three things. She asked-- has there ever been a time where you saw H really take responsibility for something major, something he did wrong, and admit it and work to rectify the situation? This stopped me cold. I couldn't think of a single time. Now I'm still thinking and I'm sure I have some level of confirmation bias going on here, but MAN. It really made me think that I'm barking up the wrong tree to think this man will suddenly sprout wings and come out of this chrysalis a butterfly.
May, this isn't sitting well with me. I don't think of these as simple flaws as much as I do a possible personality disorder. When I read this, my first thought was that he sounds like the most corrupt leader our country has yet to see. #45. And he happens to be an egocentric sociopath. Of course I do not know your H, and I hope he is not Trumpy, but this is concerning to me. In fact I would go as far as to say that the only reason I have been able to reconcile my own M and forgive my H, is because he has been able to take responsibility for his actions, demonstrate empathy and remorse, and because he humbled himself before coming back. Even with his commitment, it has still been the hardest thing I have ever done. There are so many built up triggers and emotions that didn't surface until after I had the safety of believing he was really back in it. It is years of work/processing/understanding/forgiving/changing on both ends. If you truly believe that your H has those character flaws, then I can't understand how you can want him back. He cannot do the work without them. It will not work. .... Maybe it's time to really look at the kind of person he is and is showing you and not the M or family you imagine it could be. It is easier to focus on the details -- did he cut off contact, will it stick this time, should you go on this vacay, etc, etc -- but those are just the little trees in a vast forest! I think it's time to cut your loss and plan a beautiful life without him. You deserve a man that cherishes you for you and all your greatness. In the mean time, you can start to rebuild your own self worth and confidence and nurture your more healthy relationships. I know this isn't what you want to read, but you have spent a very lone time analyzing him and what he will do next, but that is not moving you forward.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
