BUT, here we go.... he was calm and polite and here goes my brain... maybe he is reaching for things to call me over because he wants to see where things are at? That he is curious??? Maybe he is waffling.
^^^^^ This is why I have to stay NC. My brain wants to betray me every single time.
Well done on handling the interaction. You did really well unless there is anything you are leaving out.
On the above quote, remember. If he ever wants to R, you will know without any doubts. When he doesn't, you will be confused.
So when your brain starts to betray you, quickly ask yourself? Do you know without any doubt that he wants to R? If not, then he does not.
This is the reason I had not responded to his texts even though one was a question. My brain is still betraying me!!!!
And, you are right. He has DONE nothing to show he is even a little wavering my way. He didn't ask a single question about me AND the only thing I volunteered was that I had not even looked at his email because I haven't been feeling well but was vague and immediately moved to end the call.
He never apologized for waking me up. I know he called because I have started to ignore him and he is trying to pull me back into PLAN B mode.
It felt good to vent and get it out there and the necessary wake up call of "THIS MEANS NOTHING. He just wants his money."
Because you were informed by searching the internet that the best way to get your ex back is to go no contact.
I haven't been responding because I know I can't handle it!!! I'm in NC because I can't handle his interactions meaning nothing.
I'm not letting go and I'm hoping staying NC gets me to a place I am better at letting go.
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Originally Posted by KitCat
I was asleep and answered the phone not really paying attention to who was calling. I mean I saw the name but in that brain fog... sigh.
You should have never answered the phone! So much for mystery.
Again, I was asleep. I wish I hadn't answered the phone. I was only half conscious. Maybe I'm just making excuses but I would not have answered if I was fully awake. IDK. I kept it as brief as possible.
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Originally Posted by KitCat
He was like "well you weren't answering my texts so I had to call" -- No You Did Not. There was not one text asking about credit cards... whatever.
he's pretty impatient.
Yes - he is.....
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Originally Posted by KitCat
I left it that I hadn't even looked at his email because I haven't been feeling well - which is true. I haven't been feeling 100% these last 2 days and I literally did nothing yesterday.
I am sorry you are not feeling good but I am calling BS on not looking at the email.
I have NOT even opened the email. I see that he sent it 6am Tuesday but I never bothered clicking on it as I just assumed it had the docs I requested in it but I have never confirmed what is or isn't in it. I haven't been interested in putting my energy there feeling a little poorly.
I even said to myself "self - you know he is going to contact again about this email, perhaps you should open it up and print stuff out to be sure its what I needed" but, I just didn't have the energy to even to that... left it sitting in my inbox and thought I might feel better this weekend.
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Originally Posted by KitCat
He quickly said "I hope you feel better". I just replied "thank-you, and I'll talk with you later, bye".
Why would you say "I'll talk to you later"?
I have NO IDEA... LOL. Seriously I was asleep after a day of not feeling well. I think I was trying to get off the phone and it seemed like a polite way of saying I'm done now... good bye. But, you are right my choice of words was weird.
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Originally Posted by KitCat
I did not ask him a single question. I only answered questions he asked and briefly. I got off the phone as soon as possible.
You should have never been on the phone.[/quate]
I agree. Stupid blunder half awake.
[quote]
Originally Posted by KitCat
BUT, here we go.... he was calm and polite and here goes my brain... maybe he is reaching for things to call me over because he wants to see where things are at? That he is curious??? Maybe he is waffling.
He's not waffling. He is more sure then ever.
Yup - that's the slap I needed.
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Look KK, I know this is difficult for you but you have to drop the rope. He's not coming back anytime soon. You know when NC will work? When you do it because you want NC. I'm NC with my ex not because of manipulation, its because I have nothing to say to someone who doesn't give a $hit about me. I only want people in my life who value me. It really is that simple. You'll get there eventually. We are just trying to spare you more pain and rejection.
I'm working on it - I've made some real progress in that I don't see his texts and when I do I tell myself that no reply is needed... I won't lie. I had a small battle last night of - do I text that I will look at docs later??? And, then I was like NOPE. He knows what I asked for and he knows what he sent. No reply!!! And, I didn't. Before I'm certain I would have replied out of guilt of NOT replying....
I know my own pitfalls... and I needed this reminder that being nice means nothing.
You are the biggest excuse maker. You can rationalize anything !
So true.
KC, you don't accidentally notice his muted texts. You are looking for them. You didn't accidentally answer the phone when he called because you were in a fog. You knew exactly who it was and you answered it because you are desperate to hear his voice and cling to whatever shred of attention you can from him. Be honest with us and be honest with yourself. There's just no path forward as long as you keep playing these games.
You are the biggest excuse maker. You can rationalize anything !
So true.
KC, you don't accidentally notice his muted texts. You are looking for them. You didn't accidentally answer the phone when he called because you were in a fog. You knew exactly who it was and you answered it because you are desperate to hear his voice and cling to whatever shred of attention you can from him. Be honest with us and be honest with yourself. There's just no path forward as long as you keep playing these games.
His texts are muted... I don't look for them.
HOWEVER, when I have to text someone and have to go to the text menu to do it... it shows unread texts top of the list.
ALSO - my car still pings muted texts. So I'm in my car and if there are any unread texts from anyone... my car pulls the notifications from my phone. Its annoying but no way around that.
^^^^So I'm not looking for his texts and the last 2 he sent I wasn't even aware of for over 24hr because I wasn't looking.
I will give you the phone call. You're right. Half asleep I still saw the name but nothing was processing. I haven't been feeling well and took medication.
^^^^So I'm not looking for his texts and the last 2 he sent I wasn't even aware of for over 24hr because I wasn't looking.
I haven't been responding because I know I can't handle it!!! I'm in NC because I can't handle his interactions meaning nothing.
OK so let me see if I can use my Rosetta Stone to decipher what's going on here. So you have his texts muted and the screen blocked but you are somehow able to catch a glimpse out of the corner of your eye when the sun is at 2:00 o'clock on a semi cloudy day and somehow your truck has a big mouth and can't mind it's own business.
So it would seem logical that since you don't look for his texts and can go 24 hours as long as your truck doesn't rat you out then you can move strictly to email by simply telling your STBXH while conducting business you would prefer to do it by email.
Now as far as why you are NC, it is not because he fired you as his W and is in an open affair and you respect yourself too much. It's not because you read on the internet that NC is the best way to get your ex back. It's not to help you with detachment and dropping the rope. It's because you can't handle his interacting being meaningless WTF??
I am guessing you mean meaningless to you correct? Because it is not meaningless to him. He contacts you every time he wants something from you even at 11:00 pm and you are sound asleep and you jump through hoops for him.
Do you think that makes you more attractive or less attractive?
The muted text thing is what it is - I try to avoid the home screen on the text app but that is not always something that can be done unless I just frankly stop texting everyone. If he has texted it will be on the homescreen at the top.
If I am being roasted for going NC for my own sanity. Then blocking his number would fall under that same category - why can't I handle seeing his number... why would I have to block - that's just going NC.
I don't want him to think that he is getting to me....
If I tell him to only email me and not to call/text.... he will tell everyone how I'm not handling things well and how he can't contact me anymore because it upsets me ---------------------------- that's a weak attraction for sure.
I have to hold my head high and continue to act "as if" nothing bothers me UNTIL it really doesn't.
The muted text thing is what it is - I try to avoid the home screen on the text app but that is not always something that can be done unless I just frankly stop texting everyone. If he has texted it will be on the homescreen at the top.
I guess I am still confused why it's muted. If you are accepting his texts then accept his texts.
Originally Posted by KitCat
If I am being roasted for going NC for my own sanity. Then blocking his number would fall under that same category - why can't I handle seeing his number... why would I have to block - that's just going NC.
You can't handle seeing his number because you are still in denial of the D. This is something IMO you should be working on with a therapist.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I don't want him to think that he is getting to me....
He already knows he's getting to you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
If I tell him to only email me and not to call/text.... he will tell everyone how I'm not handling things well and how he can't contact me anymore because it upsets me ---------------------------- that's a weak attraction for sure.
I am going to disagree with this theory. You tell him anything related to the D you want a paper trail and want it done by email. That makes it business like and a sign of strength. He won't like it but will respect it.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I have to hold my head high and continue to act "as if" nothing bothers me UNTIL it really doesn't.
Again, you can still accomplish this by asking him to email you in regards to D.
KC, personally I love your posts that have nothing to do with him! And this is not just you but lots of LBSs. If LBSs focused more on themselves and what they'd should be doing, and less on what is going on with the WAS they'd be so much better off. Head space is precious, and if the WAS is such a big part of the LBS's posts, I can just imagine that the LBS much be obsessing in their own head about the WAS. I did that for a few weeks, but then eventually got to a healthier place where I was focusing on me because I had no control over her and what she was going to do.
I really think that the LBSs that struggle the most are the ones that can't let go of the idea that there is something that can be done, or some big even that can cause the WAS to wake up. I remember early on in my sitch I thought if I had a medical scare (I am a picture of perfect health!) then maybe she would realize she still cares about and loves me. LOL The LBS mind is an illogical mess of grasping at straws.
KC, I think LH is right. You are still in serious denial. I think you expect to wake up one morning and it was all a bad dream. And I am not "roasting" you I am simply telling you what I observe. I do not think you've made much progress on detachment. And usually that is traced to not GAL and not focusing on becoming the best that you can be. So on GAL, is there more you could be doing to stay busy? Can you spend more time keeping your body and mind occupied so you aren't spinning on him and the sitch? What are you reading? What are your plans for this weekend?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Again, you can still accomplish this by asking him to email you in regards to D.
You are right.
My biggest reason for not is personal. It was a form of communication that his XW was relegated too because she would blow up his phone all day/night with repeated calls/texts. For our sanity it was ordered by a judge because if H wasn't answering his phone she was blowing up mine.
I don't want to be lumped into the "crazy XW bucket". I don't want to be lumped into the same group as someone like his XW ((she showed up at my door and threatened to hurt my then 8yr old child -- she was not stable)). I know my H does not hate me.... I can tell you he hates her (after what she did to her kids I don't blame him).
He hated dealing with email, but she could not be trusted to be reasonable.
So I'll probably get slammed for this too but we are both avoiding sending emails for this reason. :-(
