Oh FS... So sorry things have gone the way they have. Your H sounds very much like my XH when it comes to conflict. He is/was pathologically conflict avoidant. Just quietly did what he wanted and then hoped that by the time I found out, so much time had passed that I didn’t care or that I wouldn’t say anything and just get used to the idea so eventually I wouldn’t care. Either way...he got to avoid having to have the conversation. He was like this during our marriage (I discovered in hindsight), our separation and our eventual divorce. As crazy as it sounds given everything he did, I also believe that he didn’t want to hurt me and I think that is true of your H as well. He felt compelled to leave though so he had no choice.
The good news is that my XH wasn’t wrong in some respects...enough time has passed...I did get used to the idea and now I genuinely do not care...about “us”. I care about our kids, I care about him and strangely enough, I find myself caring about her as she is going through some serious medical issues currently, but I no longer care what he did or what he is doing...as long as my kids are being looked after and he is being a great dad to them (which he is). I have finally reached a place of genuine acceptance and am honestly 100% happy again. I wish this for you too my friend and I know you can get there now that you know where your H is at. And you do know now even though he hasn’t had the conversation with you. His actions are speaking for him.
Regarding them having a “family day”. Yep. That is the HARDEST part of all of this. My kids are with their dad and his gf a week at a time and they do stuff together. I don’t think of it as family time though. It is dad time and when they are with me, it is mom time. We don’t have family time anymore. That ended with the divorce and it is the worst part of all of this. But...I have accepted this as well and it has gotten a lot easier. I don’t think about it anymore. I don’t wonder about it. I just concentrate on mom time when they are with me and when they aren’t with me, I concentrate on me time. I keep my focus on what I have and just don’t go down the “what I lost” road anymore. It is a pointless endeavour and only leads to regret and sadness which doesn’t do any of us any good.
You are such an intelligent, insightful, amazing person FS. You have been a heaven-sent gift and a support to me over these past two years. Whenever I needed advice and encouragement, you were there for me. Same as when I needed a swift 2x4 to the head...you were also there. So I hope I can be there for you as well because I think you need all of these things. It is time my friend. It is time for you to truly let go and fully accept what has happened. I say “fully” because you have done all the things one should do in order to get to that place of acceptance...so you are part way there. However, there is still a part of you that has been hanging on to the possibility that there might be a reconciliation in the future and it has stopped you from taking those final few steps. Now is the time FS. You can do it my friend. I know you can because I did it and everyone who has been here awhile knows what a mess I was. There IS life after divorce and it is a pretty good one. New experiences, new friends, new loves...not what we wanted but gifts, nonetheless. Embrace it. Open yourself up to it. Get excited!!! There is an awesome life out there waiting for you. I know there is. Go and get it!!! (((HUGS)))
