Okay - 3 day family reunion was a busy and fun time!
So did something completely NOT like me at all. MJ is legal in the state I was traveling too so at 50yr old never having done anything outside hard alcohol.... WHY NOT??? LOL
I won't lie that I found it amusing when H texted yesterday I didn't even bother to look or read it. Came across it by accident since his texts are muted. Not being in my right mind I did not respond... so apparently he texted to ask why I wasn't responding... uhm... well cause I'm stoned... THAT would have seriously gotten his attention.
I have downloaded the free Headspace and I'm hoping tonight to delve into it.
Today I'm doing a great job of keeping the focus on me. :-)
You seem to go back and forth on this, you said the two of you were going to settle this amicably and that he was being very generous, and that you didn't want to rock the boat to screw that up. But now you are saying he's living in fantasy land and isn't going to like your attorney's numbers. Can you just explain this a little better? It doesn't make any sense, it's like you're telling two completely different versions.
So H filled out this paperwork before on his own to give to his "free" atty. I never saw the finished paperwork and never had a copy of it. H has never provided a copy. So, it has to be filled out again. Hence why I had to call to request documents.
The flipping back and forth is all H. In the last phone call he realized the number he calculated in his head was not offset by the $25k that did not belong to either of us. He got a little sassy when that was brought to his attention.
As far as amicable EVERYTHING has been divided in his head outside a number from the retirements accounts - his and mine. He is probably not going to like that number even if its a fair number.... IDK.
As for things being weighted heavily in my favor - he has stated not to touch the equity in my home, he is paying off the car that my son drives, etc. NOW, is it really in my favor? IDK as atty has not looked at the numbers and given me her opinion.
I called. Not the best but H does not like like texts or emails.
Not sure how I missed this line before. But if you aren't in the mood for a major 2x4....get ready.
What the heck?! "H does not like texts or emails". SO WHAT?? Why do you let him dictate to you how you communicate to him.
#1, if this is a way to get him to like you with the goal of eventual R......I am going to repeat something you've been told 3 dozen times. YOU CANNOT NICE HIM BACK. Call him because he likes it. Email (preferably) or text (better than calling) whether he likes it or not. None of it will matter. So you choose your preferred mode of communication. And if that is phone call, then just admit that is how you would prefer contact him and we can advise you why that is not a good idea. (And there are many!) More than likely he doesn't want a written history of what he says to you about this because he wants to claim later he didn't say that, etc. These are legal discussions, documentation of them is in your best interest.) In short, SCREW what he would prefer.
#2, you cannot nice him into a better financial settlement. So if this is your end game in "not rocking the boat" then you are barking up the wrong tree again. In the end, he is going to try to get the best financial settlement for himself no matter what you do or don't do. You could send him fresh baked chocolate chip cookies every day, he is still going to try to get the best financial settlement he can get. No matter what he is saying. You keep bringing up your son's car. While he has been the young man's step-father for many years, it would be unrealistic to think he will continue to agree to paying for the car. So while that might sound good to you (and I think deepdown you are more excited about keeping that connection with him rather than the money involved) in the end he is probably going to either want the car himself, or want you to take it over including the payments.
KC, as I said a few posts back, no one ever claimed this stuff was easy. I know you'd give everything just short of your life to not being going through this. We get it. But you continue to go on reflex and instinct. Not on DBing principles. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away magically for you. But I cannot. But it sorrows me to see statements like the one above. Where you are still allowing him to dictate the terms of all of this to you. And you go along with it because you think it will make him like you again.
I realize that I cannot nice him back. I realize 100% that his "amicable" settlement offer is manipulation to the core. He swings widely like stating he wants $2200 of the $6800 I took from joint accounts... to then telling me he isn't sweating it and that we can say from this point forward our banking accts have been settled to threatening to not pay the timeshare or car... to going back to paying it. That if I just get this done as it without him needing an attorney it will all be amicable.
^^^I see the manipulation on his end.
The call made my life easier in not having to text or email. I ultimately didn't want to have to write out a long text/email.
On my end I stepped back again. I've had a good weekend where I spent a lot of time just focusing on me. I'm not going to hound for docs. He doesn't get I just don't fill the stuff out. I'm done arguing why I need bank account numbers - he knows why and then wants to argue that I already know them. Whatever.
I'm just doing my best NOT to contact in any format and only reply minimally to his contact.
I realize that I cannot nice him back. I realize 100% that his "amicable" settlement offer is manipulation to the core. He swings widely like stating he wants $2200 of the $6800 I took from joint accounts... to then telling me he isn't sweating it and that we can say from this point forward our banking accts have been settled to threatening to not pay the timeshare or car... to going back to paying it. That if I just get this done as it without him needing an attorney it will all be amicable.
^^^I see the manipulation on his end.
The call made my life easier in not having to text or email. I ultimately didn't want to have to write out a long text/email.
This is why he wants nothing in writing. And why you should want EVERYTHING in writing. Do not for a minute put past him standing in front of a judge and saying "I tried for weeks to get her to take all of this documentation and she wouldn't move anything forward."
It happens all the time. This is why by the end of a D proceeding spouses that were amicable absolutely loathe and despise each other. If you think he could be petty and insolent over things like motorcycles and boats, just wait until you get into court and are talking about 10s of 1000s of dollars.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So H filled out this paperwork before on his own to give to his "free" atty. I never saw the finished paperwork and never had a copy of it. H has never provided a copy. So, it has to be filled out again. Hence why I had to call to request documents.
So you don't really know if he ever filled it out? I mean if you never saw it who knows if he actually did it or was just blowing smoke. Doesn't sound like you were being unreasonable, but he made it sound that way.
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As for things being weighted heavily in my favor - he has stated not to touch the equity in my home, he is paying off the car that my son drives, etc. NOW, is it really in my favor? IDK as atty has not looked at the numbers and given me her opinion.
You know that saying- "prepare for the worst and hope for the best." You really, really need to prepare for the worst. And you have for the most part, but I think you need to EXPECT the worst too and I don't think you're there yet. My XW and I very peacefully worked everything out before filing. Then literally hours before she was supposed to file, she came back demanding more money (I think it was 5k or so). She sent an email about it that honestly looked like a drunk 6-year-old wrote it, I am not even exaggerating. I could not figure out what it said, it was all gibberish. I asked her to sit down with me so we could discuss it as I didn't understand where she came up with the numbers. For the first time in the whole process she went absolutely postal. Made angry threats, told me we would just fight it out in court "and believe me, things will not go your way." I wasn't going to spend 20k on a lawyer to try to save 5k, so I just told her "I don't understand where these numbers came from, but I do believe you think it's an honest settlement so make the changes and I'll sign it." My point is this- whatever he has said to you about the settlement DOES NOT MATTER. Every court in the country will tell you it's all about "the four corners of the contract." What is written on paper and processed by the court is ALL that matters. All promises great and small are null and void. I think you are starting to see the first signs that he's not just going to roll over on a nice fat settlement for you. Try to work it out with him if you think you can, but at the FIRST signs of resistance from him then bring your L back in.
So you don't really know if he ever filled it out? I mean if you never saw it who knows if he actually did it or was just blowing smoke. Doesn't sound like you were being unreasonable, but he made it sound that way.
I do know that he did fill it out - I saw it. I also know he gave it to his "free" atty. Who later dropped him because I had gotten an atty and she was no longer allowed to represent him.
But, he has had plenty of time to just pull a form from online and fill out again OR just get his original form back and he hasn't.
He has had plenty of time to get a new atty and hasn't. He of course has the attitude he shouldn't have to pay for something he could have gotten for free BUT, this is not his first divorce. He had to get an atty last time so I don't understand his logic, but that's not for me to understand.
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You know that saying- "prepare for the worst and hope for the best." You really, really need to prepare for the worst. And you have for the most part, but I think you need to EXPECT the worst too and I don't think you're there yet. My XW and I very peacefully worked everything out before filing. Then literally hours before she was supposed to file, she came back demanding more money (I think it was 5k or so). She sent an email about it that honestly looked like a drunk 6-year-old wrote it, I am not even exaggerating. I could not figure out what it said, it was all gibberish. I asked her to sit down with me so we could discuss it as I didn't understand where she came up with the numbers. For the first time in the whole process she went absolutely postal. Made angry threats, told me we would just fight it out in court "and believe me, things will not go your way." I wasn't going to spend 20k on a lawyer to try to save 5k, so I just told her "I don't understand where these numbers came from, but I do believe you think it's an honest settlement so make the changes and I'll sign it." My point is this- whatever he has said to you about the settlement DOES NOT MATTER. Every court in the country will tell you it's all about "the four corners of the contract." What is written on paper and processed by the court is ALL that matters. All promises great and small are null and void. I think you are starting to see the first signs that he's not just going to roll over on a nice fat settlement for you. Try to work it out with him if you think you can, but at the FIRST signs of resistance from him then bring your L back in.
I'm really a lot more pulled back in the last several days.
Apparently he contacted me Sunday afternoon. His texts are muted so I didn't notice it until 9pm. I still didn't bother to read it. At 51yr old I took the evening to try and edible... LOL... never ever did drugs before but it was legal and so I was officially baked. Went to bed and woke up to more texts because I hadn't answered his text... OH, WELL... not my problem.
I just responded with the business item the next morning and kept moving forward.
He emailed the business stuff early this morning that was needed. He then sent me a text telling me that he emailed me (that was probably unnecessary... whatever). I did not respond to either. I don't need to. He wasn't asking anything.
I realize that at any point in time he can change this to straight up D. Get an atty because he doesn't like the number he gets. I accept that things could change. For that reason I'm having as little contact as needed and I'm not rushing. I expect to give myself 2-3 weeks just to fill out paperwork. He has choices if he doesn't like it.
So I did fantastic and ignored by both texts sent by H on Monday morning and Tuesday night. Tuesday's text even asked me a question "did he send the right information?" I realized that was him just trying to get a response from me because I sent a list of 3 things I needed which were basic and easy enough.
Why did I not respond? Because I know I'm not ready. I have to stay NC because anytime there is a calm, friendly interaction my brain goes right toooo... maybe he is rethinking things and wants to try. UGH - Yes, I know that is completely wrong but I cannot get my brain to accept that he just doesn't want to be seen as the AHole and just wants his money.
Soooo... not responding in 2 days... he calls at 11pm at night.
I was asleep and answered the phone not really paying attention to who was calling. I mean I saw the name but in that brain fog... sigh.
I answered Hello... he immediately said did I wake you? Uhm.. yes... Well he just kept right on talking. "I need to talk about credit cards... do I have all my cards? what is capital one? ((your X Store card - oh right))." I made it clear I didn't know off the top of my head but I was not getting out of bed to deal with it and would let him know later.
He was like "well you weren't answering my texts so I had to call" -- No You Did Not. There was not one text asking about credit cards... whatever.
I left it that I hadn't even looked at his email because I haven't been feeling well - which is true. I haven't been feeling 100% these last 2 days and I literally did nothing yesterday.
He quickly said "I hope you feel better". I just replied "thank-you, and I'll talk with you later, bye".
I did not ask him a single question. I only answered questions he asked and briefly. I got off the phone as soon as possible.
BUT, here we go.... he was calm and polite and here goes my brain... maybe he is reaching for things to call me over because he wants to see where things are at? That he is curious??? Maybe he is waffling.
^^^^^ This is why I have to stay NC. My brain wants to betray me every single time.
I wasn't responding to his texts and frankly in the past that would escalate to an angry text that "ignoring him isn't helping the situation" I'm surprised that didn't happen... literally was prepping for the increase in anger but he was cool.
I also feel that he must have felt him losing his grip on me when I didn't respond to the texts therefore he called... I answered... he got his fix of me and is content again to keep going in the forward motion he currently is heading.
Maybe I can pretend answering the phone was just a bad dream
BUT, here we go.... he was calm and polite and here goes my brain... maybe he is reaching for things to call me over because he wants to see where things are at? That he is curious??? Maybe he is waffling.
^^^^^ This is why I have to stay NC. My brain wants to betray me every single time.
Well done on handling the interaction. You did really well unless there is anything you are leaving out.
On the above quote, remember. If he ever wants to R, you will know without any doubts. When he doesn't, you will be confused.
So when your brain starts to betray you, quickly ask yourself? Do you know without any doubt that he wants to R? If not, then he does not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So I did fantastic and ignored by both texts sent by H on Monday morning and Tuesday night. Tuesday's text even asked me a question "did he send the right information?" I realized that was him just trying to get a response from me because I sent a list of 3 things I needed which were basic and easy enough.
Mindreading. My guess is he just wanted his information.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Why did I not respond?
Because you were informed by searching the internet that the best way to get your ex back is to go no contact.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Because I know I'm not ready. I have to stay NC because anytime there is a calm, friendly interaction my brain goes right toooo... maybe he is rethinking things and wants to try. UGH - Yes, I know that is completely wrong but I cannot get my brain to accept that he just doesn't want to be seen as the AHole and just wants his money.
You can ignore reality but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I was asleep and answered the phone not really paying attention to who was calling. I mean I saw the name but in that brain fog... sigh.
You should have never answered the phone! So much for mystery.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I answered Hello... he immediately said did I wake you? Uhm.. yes... Well he just kept right on talking. "I need to talk about credit cards... do I have all my cards? what is capital one? ((your X Store card - oh right))." I made it clear I didn't know off the top of my head but I was not getting out of bed to deal with it and would let him know later.
Good!
Originally Posted by KitCat
He was like "well you weren't answering my texts so I had to call" -- No You Did Not. There was not one text asking about credit cards... whatever.
he's pretty impatient.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I left it that I hadn't even looked at his email because I haven't been feeling well - which is true. I haven't been feeling 100% these last 2 days and I literally did nothing yesterday.
I am sorry you are not feeling good but I am calling BS on not looking at the email.
Originally Posted by KitCat
He quickly said "I hope you feel better". I just replied "thank-you, and I'll talk with you later, bye".
Why would you say "I'll talk to you later"?
Originally Posted by KitCat
I did not ask him a single question. I only answered questions he asked and briefly. I got off the phone as soon as possible.
You should have never been on the phone.
Originally Posted by KitCat
BUT, here we go.... he was calm and polite and here goes my brain... maybe he is reaching for things to call me over because he wants to see where things are at? That he is curious??? Maybe he is waffling.
He's not waffling. He is more sure then ever.
Originally Posted by KitCat
^^^^^ This is why I have to stay NC. My brain wants to betray me every single time.
No again it is because you searched the internet and were told the best way to get your ex back is to go NC.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I wasn't responding to his texts and frankly in the past that would escalate to an angry text that "ignoring him isn't helping the situation" I'm surprised that didn't happen... literally was prepping for the increase in anger but he was cool.
I think he realized he gets whatever he wants no matter how he treats you.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I also feel that he must have felt him losing his grip on me when I didn't respond to the texts therefore he called... I answered... he got his fix of me and is content again to keep going in the forward motion he currently is heading.
It's pretty arrogant of you to think he needs of fix of you. You really enjoy the thought of being plan B.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Maybe I can pretend answering the phone was just a bad dream
I don't even know what that means.
Look KK, I know this is difficult for you but you have to drop the rope. He's not coming back anytime soon. You know when NC will work? When you do it because you want NC. I'm NC with my ex not because of manipulation, its because I have nothing to say to someone who doesn't give a $hit about me. I only want people in my life who value me. It really is that simple. You'll get there eventually. We are just trying to spare you more pain and rejection.
Went to bed and woke up to more texts because I hadn't answered his text... OH, WELL... not my problem.