This round of self-doubting is different. This is proceeding a decision, a change, IMHO.
When I read your post, I was thinking, What beliefs am I challenging? What beliefs are in the process of changing or being reinforced? That I do believe something drastic has happened with H to lead him here, regardless of the positives and challenges of our M? That I might believe MLC, rather than fear that I am grasping at reasons for all of his changes so that I don't have to be the cause of them?
Yes.
Looking back upon my path, I now see what I couldn’t see while looking forward and walking it. We challenge all our beliefs.
Remember BD? Remember how earth shattering MLC was? It was completely unknown and quite unbelievable in the truest sense of the word.
You have grown and learned lots about MLC. Seen the behaviour. Live and walked the path of the LBS. Chosen better instead of bitter. You’ve healed enough that you are questioning, challenging, and strengthening everything.
Challenging a belief, not necessarily changing the substance of the belief. Some will be altered. Most are going to become deep held values. Core beliefs. That’s the change. It’s you. Just look below:
Originally Posted by cardinal
I do feel something changed between my last post full of self-doubt and this one, but I'm not sure what it is or if it's only temporary. I have felt stronger and calmer in the last few days, which is confusing to me, because I was sobbing in the bathroom at work on Saturday. Has it really sunk in that the man I knew is gone? This H's values and behavior are, yes, opposite of old H. He has the entitled attitude of a WAS and the, to me, bizarre behavior described in MLC. It really does feel now like I was married to one person and am now being divorced by another. I no longer feel much like there is an old H hiding inside that I could reach if only I knew the secret combination. I kind of feel like old H is packed away in a box somewhere, and it will be up to new H to dust off that box and look inside at some future point. I still hope he does.
cardinal, this is the path to acceptance. Look at you. Such compassion. Such indifference. Both held and balanced, weirdly at first, yet completely suited for each other.
You are on the cusp of such peace.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
