I’m sorry your situation, at times, pulls you down into a slump of depression. Your W is a sad lost soul who doesn’t or cannot see the wonderful loving man standing in front of her. Her behaviour is truly about her, not you.
She gets up early and goes to bed early to avoid you. Are you sure? Did she actually say that? And if so, only believe half of what they do, nothing of what they say.
Her early to rise and early to bed behaviour is about her. Not you! It’s her way of not dealing with whatever feelings arise when she interacts with you.
Now, you are wisely not pushing this, so she has very little to blame you for. And of course, her listening to music, keeping to small talk, etc. is all her efforts to attempt to remain free of those traumatic feelings lurking and rising to her surface.
We all think these MLCers need some rock bottom experience to awaken them. A few things, we don’t know what is rock bottom to them. They define their lowest level. We define our’s as well, btw.
We also don’t know the emotional storm raging inside their heads and hearts. She may appear calm, and you, we, may look upon that as she doesn’t care. Doesn’t want to work on the marriage. And so on. Remember, it’s all about her. She doesn’t have the resources to put into anything or anyone else right now. She doesn’t “care” because she is unable to, not because she doesn’t “want” to. She probably doesn’t care about much right now. Depression is a huge part of her path. Remember she is driven to this behaviour. Running.
The idea of rock bottom is sound, just don’t use your definition. I believe in the small details as well. The loss of the daily interaction, love, kisses, hugs, running and laughing with her children. That all accumulates. Her living under the same roof might constantly highlight to her just how much she doesn’t have, how much she has lost. Don’t assume she is all blissfully unaware.
Also, she is still living there. With you and family. Something is going on with her. Again, her outward appearance is not indicative of what she is emotionally doing inside. I suspect she has made progress. She still has difficulty expressing it, and shame, guilt, remorse, etc. all get in the way for her. She still has a way to go.
Now, you do know some of her trauma. I remember her telling you and even taking you to the place it happened. It takes time to heal a wound that’s so deep.
You have gained so very much my friend. Grown so very far. I’m going to turn my attention to you. Encourage and hopeful - as if you’d expect different from me.
Originally Posted by Gordie
I agree with your assessment of my wife's lack of interest in putting any effort into the m. She isn't and I think right now...she just can't. And right now, in the middle of it, it's not terrible but it's not a lot of fun either. As you said, I can only control me, and I choose to stand. It's what I believe. It's the "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health" vows.
You are a great husband, father, and man. A person who does everything to keep his word. I completely understand, know, and empathize with your vows; and your desire to uphold them.
“For better and for worse, in sickness and in health”. Today, I actually explained my view to my doctor. He asked if I was seeing someone yet. It’s been almost three years, and he means well. But, him never having walked in these shoes. I said no, and he asked “no offers, no interest?” I chuckled and said, no there has been interest both ways and offers. I paused as he looked and was puzzlingly interested, It’s my vows I told him.
He didn’t understand. I said it’s the vows. “‘TIL death do us part.” I meant it. I keep my word. He nodded in acknowledgment and probably a little bewilderment.
Now, I didn’t want my divorce. And I didn’t push for it. I can, and do, have a say in keeping my vows. XW destroyed her’s. I need not follow suit.
Please don’t misread that. I’m not thinking I’m not divorce; I am well cognizant of my marital status. It’s my vow to my conscience and to God I’m talking about. XW destroyed her covenant, which broke our bond. My covenant is still intact. I haven’t divorce me (yet).
Now, that view isn’t all that popular. Even around here.
I’m also not that blushfully naive that I cannot see the possibility of me choosing to break my vow someday.
This it seems is one of those contentious issues that people can really get heated over. My view is my view and for me. My belief is my belief and for me. I do encourage, suggest, and even guide to the best of my abilities. And completely support someone’s decision - to stand or not. For I know, I do not have all the answers.
That being said, I usually keep my soap box put away regarding this subject. However, Gordie, I encourage and care that you continue your faithful path. You state that you believe in vows. And you are not alone in that!
Of course, you’re actually still married. A very good thing, IMHO.
True, it’s not terrible and not a lot of fun either. That does come from your viewpoint and how you are looking at things. Your lens of the world. We do create our reality, our perceptions of it.
Standing really starts when we heal enough to stand down. You passed that point a while ago. Dig and find strength and patience.
Yes, you have done most of the heavy lifting. The lion’s share falls upon the LBS, falls upon the strong and stable spouse. Rejoice that is you!
It’s ok that your faith is wavering every now and then. Don’t worry, He understands.
Hold your faith. Hold it for you. It’s light shines bright. XW cannot help but see it. As she runs and tries to ignores it, continue your path, and let God do his work.
Bless you Gordie. You are an excellent person. A husband only a fool would leave.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
