Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

KC has a point-- he may not be focused on your appearance, but wants you to feel beautiful and confident, and is trying to support you by encouraging you here. And maybe the shopping thing is some Pretty Woman fantasy he's been harboring all these years. You never know!!

On the thing about your mom... wow. Just, wow. The stems were too long. And I realized that reading it, if it were something dumb your H had said, I would be cracking up and thinking what a dope he was, like the other day in Alison's thread she said how her H flipped his lid because a houseplant had died, maybe many months ago. But when it is your mom that says that, I realized I was actually hurt reading that for you. It makes me sad and angry in a way that these stupid H behaviors don't. Maybe I have something there to work on too... but I just wanted to say you aren't alone, it is amazing and brave that you can see that, and I really hope you can work on detaching from the toxicity of her behavior. It sounds like you did a great thing by disconnecting during your vacation, and I'm hoping you can continue to work through those issues. Are you still in IC?

I know I'm just a random stranger on the internet but I see such a caring, smart, brave, thoughtful, giving woman in you. Your mom is putting her own issues on you and they don't belong there. And your H is incredibly lucky to have you in his life. He doesn't deserve you, not the other way around. It is sounding like he knows that, but you need to know that, in your bones.

I can't help but feel like communication is really crucial for you guys... you need to be able to tell him you're sad about the EA and the trust isn't back yet and he needs to be able to hear that and accept it. I guess, equally, at some point he needs to be able to say he feels he's being pulled back into some dynamics of M1.0 and you need to be able to hear that without bringing the EA into it, eventually.

I'm guessing that a lot of that, at least theoretically, could be managed with better communication techniques and some set aside time to talk about how you're feeling in a safe place. (I would think that MC usually holds this place for couples who are piecing, and ideally can act as a guide to help you navigate the road together, and can reassure you that it is OK you're feeling the way you do, totally natural, etc. so as to defuse some of the anxiety.) And, all this takes TIME. Trust needs to be built back up and you can't expect that it will emerge fully formed like Athena from Zeus's brow. It is probably more like a baby or a plant that gets tended and nurtured and slowly grows back, ideally stronger than before.