Not sure I have a reason to hope...

[may22]

There have been ample opportunities for it to be a PA. H has sworn up and down that it has not been that, but his actions are so extreme in the monstering/blaming/meanness that it tells me he has a HUGE amount of shame and guilt. More than one would expect for our situation. And it would make sense in terms of the back-and-forth with the Ring. I had a sneaking suspicion on all the times he came back to reconcile that OW reached out in some capacity and that threw him back. I don't know this for sure, of course. But if it were a PA, I don't think he would ever admit it. As it stands now, he can paint me as the 'controlling, resentful, mean, SSM wife who made him unhappy for years'. If his decision is due to an A, he loses all that credibility he has worked so hard to build up with the few people he is speaking to about it.

FWIW (and since my H has been so talky talky about all of this)-- he said he didn't tell me because he was scared. Really, really scared. I had that same 1% thought in my mind in the fall, when he was still saying EA only, but dismissed it because all he had to do was tell me it was a PA and I was outta there, and since he was saying with his mouth he wanted out, why would he not just tell me? And I also thought, maybe he isn't saying it because he doesn't want me to walk. I think that was definitely part of it-- at least what he's told me-- but also scared of the consequences, scared of other people finding out, scared to have to own that he was a cheater. He told me the other day when he embarked on this A, he really didn't care or think about how I would feel. He only was thinking about what he wanted. And that he thought to himself, OK, if this ends up being something, I'll just get a divorce. And that was two and a half years ago. He said, clearly this is all just so much more complicated than he thought back then-- his feelings for me, the children, the life we've built together, his own self-image--all waaay harder than he frivolously thought when he took that first fateful step.

I read in one of the books the other day (I think Glass but maybe Perel) how hard it is for the H and W to face each other after the A-- one line struck me-- he looks in her eyes and sees his fallen image. I think this is real. I'm sure your H is sticking like glue to that controlling, resentful, mean, frigid W narrative because it is the only one in which he can be at all OK with himself and his own behavior. But, deep down, he knows the truth.