Trying to Detach

[may22]

May - I have to say that even if he deletes all her contact information, if someone wants to find someone, they will. FB, Instigram, Twitter. As long as he has her name, he will find her. I'm not saying he will. I'm just saying this type of thing takes self motivation. And there's a reason it's called 'self' motivation. He controls it. Not you. Trust him or don't trust him. But you have to commit to the trust. You have to not assume the worst every time he looks at his phone or is gone a little too long.

I missed this post yesterday... yes, you're absolutely right. The six weeks of limbo in Jan-Feb when he was "deciding" last time was total h3ll on me for that reason, worse than in the fall because by then I *knew* they were in touch and it really bothered me. I felt a low-level anxiety all the time. I assumed the worst every time his phone buzzed. Once they got back in touch and I found out in June, it was the same, and one of the reasons I needed more solidity before agreeing to the trip. I just hate not knowing and wondering all the time.

That being said... I do think I'll trust if he says he isn't in contact with her. I already feel better this week than I did before as he is telling me they aren't in contact any more and he doesn't intend to be in contact with her again... I'm just waiting on him telling her he is blocking her and then actually doing it.

I think the telling her is important, because right now she was the one to block him on WhatsApp and I think it is important that this is his choice too. Also, even if she is a total head case, he can't have told her he'll be there for her if she has suicidal thoughts and then just not respond if she does reach out-- I don't think that is right. I feel like she really, really needs to have someone other than my H to help her if she is truly in a bad place. Relying on him to help her through any of what she is going through is not healthy for any of us involved.

And as I said.. i'm a trusting fool. I trusted last time and I think I'll trust again this time. I do believe we got through all the rest of the lies that one night he decided to unload everything else on me (UGH BECAUSE HE READ HE SHOULD IN SHIRLEY GLASS'S BOOK... IDK why that bothers me so much, that I said over and over I need total transparency and yet he only decides to do it when he reads it for himself) and it feels like the slate is finally clear between us. So with my optimistic mind I am thinking these are the steps we need to make it work this time, alllll the lies are out in the open, nothing still festering, no lingering questions on my part. I think, assuming he blocks her etc as I've asked, that I just need to let go and trust at that point. Otherwise, why bother doing any of this?

So used to being in charge, they come back and feel lost, no-one is deferring to them, or even worse, they come back and get hit with four days worth of problems at once "the dishwasher's broken" or "X did this in school".I understand know how hard that must have been. Throw in unconscious resentment on my part - he gets to go away for four days and leave me at home with two young kids, his job is viewed by everyone as more amazing (god I hated how everyone fawned on him when he told them he was a pilot) even though its my job that pays most of the bills and what you get is him feeling emasculated when he gets in.

I wish I could talk to him about this now. But it is too late. It is not too late for you.

I do think about all of this, sometimes, and how it must have been hard for him. And I know I'll have to revisit this time if we move forward together as in his mind the damage is all still there and not healed over. I feel I didn't see him anymore as a human being but as a container for what I needed from him and focused more on what I wasn't getting than how he was feeling or needed from me as his W. But that all being said... I mean, so the F what that he didn't get fawned over at home? You have a right to some resentment when your partner isn't pulling his weight and you have to keep up everything, work plus family plus house while he's off getting his ego burnished. Not every person takes that set of circumstances and decides to give up on their M and go find someone who kisses their @ss a little more. Your H (and mine) are flawed and stunted people in that they made that choice. It is totally the easy route. And it is not your fault, nor mine, that they didn't have the emotional capacity or fortitude or whatever to deal with what was happening and get over themselves rather than run away.

Cardinal... wow, yes, I think you're so right. And it is what he is actually asking for, a month to relax and have fun together with the kids and travel around exploring our state. I guess that I have been worrying about what went wrong last time and what needs to be different this time. *I* need to have a fun and relaxing time, for me, and maybe that is all I should focus on for now.

Assuming we go. To my knowledge he has not yet done what I've asked. Trying to detach and not worry about it. It happens-- great. We go on this trip and have a long road ahead of us. He doesn't-- less great, tbh (that 50/50 feeling sure is slippery!!! all the child custody talk and my inability to really go there, yet, has scared me away) -- but still, a long road ahead.