Gerda, it was so nice to see your fathers day message to me just now. I'm so sorry I missed it earlier. I pop in from time to time to catch up on everyone's situation, but I haven't checked my own thread in some time. You are often in my thoughts and I imagine always will be. Your H is a fool. That was a lovely poem!
Wow, I can't believe it has been over a year since I updated my thread. I had to stop coming here so often because I realized it was holding me back a little. I was spending too much time in my head thinking about everything instead of moving myself forward. Its a delicate balancing act sometimes.
I thought I would journal a little today. Where to begin since its been over a year...
A quick recap, W and I started dating in high school. After 6 years of dating she got pregnant and we got married in the same year. A year after our S was born she got pregnant again and we had our daughter. Fast forward many years, we had a happy family and were very close. We did family vacations, both had good jobs, went on dates as often as possible, and our families blended well. Lots of love to go around. Then in the fall of 2016, she started becoming a little distant. She started working out, worrying about her appearance more, and starting to go out with coworkers after work for happy hour. Then in January of 2017, BD. She had an EA with a coworker. I did the whole begging and trying to fix things for a few months before i found this site. For about a year and a half I pretzeled myself trying to work things out. I tried really hard to use all the DB stuff and GAL. Its not for the faint of heart, but I love my family and would do anything to keep it together. Lots of minor details of things along the way that I won't list out here again. Then, in June of 2018, W moved out to her own place. Since then we have traded the kids weekly. My son is 16 and my daughter 14. It has pretty much been just status quo for 2 years now. In that time I have been much better. Getting used to the idea of not being married. Not saying I liked it or wanted it, but getting used to it and coming back to myself. Or, something that I feel is more me than I have been in the last 3 years...so I'm making progress! That is not to say that I don't still have triggering moments, but I can say that they are not as bad as they were and are short lived when they happen. Having said that, I am in one of those triggering moments now. More on that in a minute...
As far as the nuances of W's situation, where do I start? Well, firstly, W has yet to file for D. Its been years now and she has not even brought it up. Seems weird to me that if she needed so bad to be gone that she wouldn't finalize it, but comes with the territory I guess. I have thought about doing it myself, but I never seem to want to move forward with it, although i don't see why we would stay married if we aren't even really friends. I mean we are cordial to each other I guess, but I feel like I have closer relationships with the people that work at the grocery store. In the last 2 years, W and I only talk to each other about the scheduling of kid stuff. The conversations are usually cordial. She is nice for the few minutes we interact, but radio silence unless the kids have something going on. The kids relationship with her is strained, but they get along. Me and the kids have a very close and loving relationship and they complain about her often. Generally it is stuff regarding what I will sum up as selfishness. Running late getting them places, not taking care of things that they need taking care of, and a general aloofness around them. Where we have friction is when she plans things without telling me, or doesn't include me in some type of thing I should be in the know about, or should be included in. Sometimes she includes me on the most trivial things, but doesn't tell me about important stuff. its like she can't tell what she needs to share, so does it randomly when shes thinking about it. That pretty much sums up the last 2 years without all the details of individual events.
Now, in the last few months, I have seen a SLIGHT change in her. She seems to be making a little more effort to communicate. Its weird because after the last 2 years, I have all but stopped looking for any signs as to where shes at in her process. She will call me occasionally to tell me about something related to the kids..stuff that she probably didn't need to tell me. Or to ask my opinion on something on something that doesn't really even matter. Like she is looking for an excuse to talk, but it doesn't lead to anything else and then its radio silence again for a while. I generally just react in kind. It throws me off because after 3 and a half years, I have all but stopped expecting any kind of niceties from her. In the past month we have had 2 conversations where we discussed our situation for real. One time was because her and D had gotten in to it and D wasn't talking to her. It was Ds week with me and she hadn't been replying to her M or answering her calls, so W (feels weird rto still refer to her as W, but we aren't divorced) wanted to come over and try and work things out with her. I agreed and prepped D to have an open dialog. I encouraged her to say what she felt and to not hold back. That it was good to have open communication with the people you love and to not to hold any resentment. W came over and I could not believe their conversation. D unloaded on her saying how she checked out years ago, she doesn't respect her as a mother or see her as a role model, and on and on. W took it in stride as if this was an age old conversation between them. D has NEVER talked to me like that. W seems to see it as teenager behavior. W asked if I wanted to talk so we stepped outside and had a long conversation. I can't remember all that was said, but I said a lot. W seems to be poking her head out a little. She talked about the shame she felt for her decisions and how she had been depressed through a lot of it...and that she was trying. I asked what it was she was doing to TRY as her and I barely even spoke. There was a lot of back and forth and it ended with her saying that we should talk more. Then, radio silence again for a few weeks. One thing I did say to her was that I had stopped making any efforts because after years of trying with no effort on her part, I stopped because she had told me it was over and to move on. It hurt too much to continue to put forth effort for it to be dismissed by her while she treated me with contempt. Also, another thing I mentioned was that if she were going to plan anything with the kids that involved me at all or would affect me, or that I should know about, she needed to let me know up front. Especially if it had to do with my time with the kids.
Fast forward a few weeks and I find out through my son that she was planning a trip to see her mom in another state and that they would be leaving in the middle of the week on MY week with them. I called her and made a big deal about it after the conversation we had had. She apologized for me finding out that way and told me she had only just planned it. I said that she had told the kids before me and that was wrong. Well, fast forward another week and I find out that it is actually next week (which is this week) that they would be going. I called and complained again and she just said she thought we had covered that it was this week when we had our last talk. She seems genuinely apologetic and I think she thinks she told me. And, this vacation she is taking them on is one that we have taken as a family many times, only this time without me.
So, overall I have been doing pretty good, but this week has me a little down. I should have my kids through Friday evening, but instead I am helping them pack tonight to leave early in the morning for a family vacation that I will not be going on. Looking forward to these types of things to stop affecting me.
Thanks for letting me journal...I needed to get some of that out. I hope all of you are well.
