Hi, kml. It is unusual, right? It all seems so strange to me now. I mean, I considered and consider myself a strong, independent woman! But I never gave the money too much thought during our M, because I trusted him 100%. We had a joint checking account, but the savings account (money market) was a gift from his father for our wedding, and we then put all of our wedding money into it, along with money we saved through the years, including some awards I'd gotten. I didn't realize that our joint savings account was in his name only. Nor did I realize the (older) cars we inherited from his mom while we were married were in his name only. He was definitely controlling with money, as in I would occasionally stress about how much more we could be saving, and sometimes I would suggest we sit down and make a budget, and he would always get a little short and tell me not to worry about it, because it just caused me to stress out. i.e. Just let him deal with it! He was always trying to protect me from stress in other ways too, which reinforced his habit of holding his feelings back, which, of course, he now resents. At the same time, he was never controlling about how much money I spent, and would always encourage me to spend money on myself, buy things I thought I needed, etc. We talked about big purchases before we made them, and we didn't take money out of our savings unless there was an unexpected expense we hadn't planned for.
He was a little controlling, I would say, about his stuff, where it was or should go in the house, but I was also particular about not just putting things anywhere. Not controlling in terms of family or friends.
Since BD, though, everything has become more secretive with him as he has become more and more teen-like. I think he needs even more to feel like he is in control as everything else in his life is out of control, even if he doesn't act like it is. He did our taxes a couple of weeks ago and let me know how much we owed, and I asked for a copy, but he hasn't given it to me yet. Then he wouldn't give me his username or password to log in to our HSA account so that I could submit a reimbursement--he said he would do it for me. Amount in savings? I have a general idea of what was there before BD, but I also recently caught a glimpse of a statement he printed off from last July when he first went to consult with a mediator, and there was a sizeable withdrawal that I don't remember discussing at the time. Another red flag, and a reason why I want to see the statements from the last 18 months. This is my savings account too, after all.
He was never this extreme during our M--he wouldn't have been weird about giving me the HSA login, for example. I know that balance because I can call and check. When I asked customer service about setting up my own login, they said the primary account holder (H) is the only one who has a login, so I should just get it from him. Going through all this, I've discovered a lot of stuff is still set up to deny access to the non-primary, or at least make it very hard for them to access it if they are suddenly on the outs with their partner.
I did our taxes online for a few years, and he's done them for the last several years, so, yes, he should be able to easily email me the files. I pretty much know what he makes at his current job, but he also receives tips from his bartending gig, along with wages. He has a Venmo account or something similar where his gig wages go; I will need to make sure any other accounts are in the financial disclosure form.
Sigh. This is probably more info than you asked for! But you see why it's very clear to my and everyone I've kept in the loop that we are at the least going to benefit from a neutral third party in the form of a mediator. It will surprise me if he is actually willing to negotiate with me about an agreement and doesn't just expect me to agree to whatever he offers.
