One... omfg, I am continually blown away by how similar our Hs are on all of this. Much of what your H has said to you about the reasons why he strayed sounds like word-for-word things my H has said to me. None of it is him taking responsibility for his own actions. All just justifications to let himself off the hook for the affair. I hope you can recognize that and aren't trying to internalize all of this. I know it really helped me when I realized that my H was just following the exact same script as all these other WAHs.
Thank you so much, May, I needed to hear this right now. I have my moments of self-doubt and sadness and feeling so alone.
Originally Posted by may22
On the EA vs the PA. I have to say, if there has been any opportunity for this to be a PA, if I were you I'd assume that was the case. I'm not trying to mindread here, but I do think that having crossed that line might be part of the reason that he is clinging so desperately to the justifications for why you were so terrible and why he was leaving (I notice that is what he's saying, not that he's leaving because of OW). I also wonder if having that lie out there and unaddressed, and his inability to tell you, is part of the reason he got scared off of Ring. That may or may not be helpful or true, but it just really sticks with me that there are so many other similarities and my H also swore up and down it was just an EA. I know that for him having crossed that line is part of what has made him feel like he needed to commit to the A and that being "true love" because otherwise he has to look at himself as a philanderer, not just someone who fell in love accidentally after his wife demonstrated she didn't love him with the SSM.
There have been ample opportunities for it to be a PA. H has sworn up and down that it has not been that, but his actions are so extreme in the monstering/blaming/meanness that it tells me he has a HUGE amount of shame and guilt. More than one would expect for our situation. And it would make sense in terms of the back-and-forth with the Ring. I had a sneaking suspicion on all the times he came back to reconcile that OW reached out in some capacity and that threw him back. I don't know this for sure, of course. But if it were a PA, I don't think he would ever admit it. As it stands now, he can paint me as the 'controlling, resentful, mean, SSM wife who made him unhappy for years'. If his decision is due to an A, he loses all that credibility he has worked so hard to build up with the few people he is speaking to about it.
Regardless, H is not suggesting he is leaving me to be with her. She lives 1000's of miles away and I don't think he will leave our kids, although I am so shocked by his behavior, I guess anything could happen.
[quote=may22]Here's a thought for you to take or leave-- what do you think about asking your H if the OW's H is aware? And saying you're thinking about getting in touch with him? Exactly what you just said to us here-- that he's admitted he'd have worked on the M in the absence of OW, and you're really sad that another family is breaking up, and you really wish someone had told you if they'd known, and maybe they will have a chance to save their family if it isn't too late. He will probably freak out and get really mad, none of your beeswax, etc. But if you do end up telling him you didn't do it behind your H's back and if you stand by it being the right thing to do, I would not want to have it be a secret. Maybe that is really bad advice and I'm not recommending it by any means, but just a thought to chew on./quote]
Interestingly enough (not surprising because you and I think a lot alike), this is exactly what I did prior to your post! Almost verbatim. He freaked out, but more in a 'holy sh!t' sort of way, that this could really blow up in his face. We left the conversation unfinished, which is good because I don't know what I am going to do. I plan to sit with this all for a while.
