may and DnJ and kml, thank you. I can't believe it's been a week since this new announcement. I feel so different a week later. D, it's comforting to hear that you were once in the same place--questioning MLC, doubting yourself. I think I will have to do more work with IC to really forgive myself for role in SSM, but my friend was also saying love isn't just something that exists if the sex is plentiful--that's not what the vows are. Love means working through these things with compassion on both sides. M isn't just all the good, as Wayfarer was writing in her post. It's the bad too. The idea is to take it all together. And I do tend to think that because of H's separate issue of feeling like he's always lived his life for others, been controlled by others (especially me!), if this is part of MLC, this would've caught up with him at some point, SSM or not. SSM was just one item on his list of justifications for not working on M at BD, and I think it's yet another convenient justification for his running. It's the one that has stuck with me, because I could have put more effort into changing it... though it also would have required effort on his part, and, looking back, I can't even be sure he would have been willing to put in that effort on our own or with counseling even five years ago.
Originally Posted by DnJ
This round of self-doubting is different. This is proceeding a decision, a change, IMHO.
When I read your post, I was thinking, What beliefs am I challenging? What beliefs are in the process of changing or being reinforced? That I do believe something drastic has happened with H to lead him here, regardless of the positives and challenges of our M? That I might believe MLC, rather than fear that I am grasping at reasons for all of his changes so that I don't have to be the cause of them?
I talked to my IC on Sunday. It did help to hear her state that H has been numbing first with alcohol, then vaping, then new R; that is not in my imagination. A new R is like another kind of drug. He is going to continue to have R issues until he faces himself, no matter who he is with. And H is already seeming a little moody around me again.
I was thinking about how I want to proceed and trying to let go of fear of how H will react, which is (everyone who knows what's been going on in the last year seems to agree) probably not going to be great no matter what. I felt very clearly that I want to be amicable through all this and that I want to honor the R we had, even if H has erased that R and its history. I want mediation. Realizing that, I felt a little bit of peace. I think I was building myself a boat in that moment, may.
I do feel something changed between my last post full of self-doubt and this one, but I'm not sure what it is or if it's only temporary. I have felt stronger and calmer in the last few days, which is confusing to me, because I was sobbing in the bathroom at work on Saturday. Has it really sunk in that the man I knew is gone? This H's values and behavior are, yes, opposite of old H. He has the entitled attitude of a WAS and the, to me, bizarre behavior described in MLC. It really does feel now like I was married to one person and am now being divorced by another. I no longer feel much like there is an old H hiding inside that I could reach if only I knew the secret combination. I kind of feel like old H is packed away in a box somewhere, and it will be up to new H to dust off that box and look inside at some future point. I still hope he does.
Right now I am willing to try to begin discussing an agreement with H when I am ready--after receiving financial documents from him and first consulting with another L. I still doubt this will work, because his accusing me of not communicating with him for the past year is not a good sign that we will be able to communicate about money and decisions that will affect both our lives, but maybe I'll be happily proved wrong. I would rather go straight to mediation with a flat fee, which would save us the money of his filing and my responding, since it would all be wrapped into the mediation deal, but should I really spend more energy trying to convince H we will save money that way, or just let him file if he's going to without further comment?
If it is clear that we can't work things out without help, I will again state my preference for mediation. If he is still resistant to spending the money for that, I will say it's either that or I will need a L. Mediation seems the more amicable and reasonable path to me, as the law does make most of what we will have to discuss pretty straightforward. Either way, I need and am entitled to a professional to guide me through this, and I will not back down from that.
I plan to give H a list of documents I will need with a deadline of, say, two weeks. I will then bring these to a L to discuss in more detail so that I have an even more specific idea of what items need to be negotiated and what I am entitled to. Does this seem fair? Are there any other documents I should include in this list? So far I have:
--Past 18 months of statements from our savings account (I think he is going to balk at this, but I am still worried H has taken money out in the past year without my knowledge, since I don't have access to the account, so I don't just want the most recent statement) --Past 2 years tax returns --H's most recent pay stubs --H's retirement/pension statement
I will also bring the budget I have been working on with estimated expenses and income--it's not looking good, as health and dental insurance on the open market are going to be a bigger expense than I was hoping. But I don't want to skimp on that in a pandemic! If I receive the $ in support I need from H, I will be barely making it most months, with no money leftover for clothes or fun stuff, but I will have savings to draw from if needed. I'm still trying to have faith that I will find a better full-time job sooner rather than later. Luckily I've been offered two classes at the local university this fall, so that extra income over three months should get me through the next year even if I don't find a better job... that's assuming my current job goes back to full-time soon, since I am still at reduced hours because of Covid. There are some uncertainties I just have to accept right now.
Gosh, I have more questions, but this is a good starting point, I think. I am trying to be the baby Cardinal, may!
