No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi all!

Sandi, LH thanks a lot for been so direct and helpful with me. I have been feeling quite pathetic lately. I do know how to be attractive to women, I have never had a problem there, is more that feeling of repairing our R asap. I have come to the conclusion that I have to work on my patience and the LRT activities for me, being independent again.

I had an amazing weekend with the kids at the beach. The sea was moody and we could enjoy some waves with very good water temperature. I also helped S6 to gain more confidence when swimming in the pool. Yesterday we went shopping for the BD party of S1 (soon to be S2), I am planning a party themed on Hotel Transylvania movies and I got face make up to get us all looking like Frankenstein, we also got decorations and ingredients to make some spooky recipes!

I have not been very productive lately, being with the kids means I do more things at home and with them. This brings a negative feeling that can sometimes pile up with the feelings about the loss of my M and it is not helping me. On the good side, a lot of the people I come across make positive comments on my physical appearance, I know that is only a minor part of the changes I need to implement but it feels incredibly good to get some positive recognition from outside.

I have been reading a lot about detachment, working on a mindset where I can see current R with W objectively and I can assess all the things that are unhealthy about our interactions. After our 2 or 3 conversations about financial issues and the S agreement there has been silence and ignorance, she is back to where she has consistently been. I know I cannot put weight on what she says right now but there are two things that have been in my mind lately.

W said if it wasn't for my behavior through my L we would have had a chance of R by now, but I blew it. In the sense of me showing her I want to screhw her life, I dont understand why she seems to determined on making me a messed up person. I dont want to see whta she said as a positive sign, truth is there are no positive signs, period. W mentioned she has told friends if she had to choose between someone who can be a 100 for her and if I was able to give her 50 she would choose me because of the kids. I guess this is in line with me being the best plan B or her trying to tell herself she is an amazing mom no matter what happens between us and in our family. I dont know where these come from but they really hurt my self esteem, I will try to let all those conversations go off my mind. As you can see, I am struggling with sticking myself to the rule of "believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do" and how it conflicts with becoming a better listener and really paying attention to what S expresses, am I making sense? Maybe someone here has brought this up before.

I had a young woman approach me at the pool when I was with S1 and ask me about him, she was very attractive. I could feel I was closed to any conversation with her beyond sharing info about S1. I will work on that.

I have been struggling with physical needs lately, I still feel attracted to W when I have seen her. When I get these impulses I use them as energy to fuel my exercise routines. W spent the weekend with her support person number 1 (her cousin who recently called up on her wedding). Not that I care, just want to share here that their little support circle is up and running as always. Not sure if W compares me to her cousin's ex, I know that would not be fair but there is nothing I can do about it.

I have decided to go back to church, I have let myself go from my believes, but I feel like I need to reconnect with that side of me. I had a call with my financial advisor in Germany, he told me people have been inquiring a lot about houses around the area where we bought, apparently they keep selling for really good prices. That gives me some peace, despite the feeling of demolishing the life I was trying to build for my family.

I am very lucky to have the R I do with my S6. If it wasn't for him I would probably still be on a darker place in my life. I keep reading my books, making lists of things I need to improve in myself and the relationships in my life and trying to take steps on this direction. I have been having many thoughts about the better and improved R I want with W. I have always thought picturing me having those moments, conversations and gestures with her would give me strength to go on and to fight for us. Maybe those thoughts are only hurting me because they lead to me thinking about having dates and conversations with W, something it is not going to soon and may never happen.

I know is my decision and my choice to fight for my family and marriage, but I have been doing a terrible job. Next august it will be the anniversary from DB. I want to keep fighting, I think there is still hope and strength in me to do it. I really wish there was a way I could make her at least respect me again. how have other success stories maintained the eyes on the final goal when spouse had one foot out the door and things seemed hopeless?

Thanks for your comments and I will keep posting!