So, that brings me to today. Today I am feeling it.
It was a sleepless night last night. I found out (on friday) that he had taken his new GF and the kids to a theme park. A family day out without me. The girls didn't even say anything. They have still not mentioned her. I only found out because D10 said Daddy and D13 went on the big ride, and I rather surprised said. "Did they leave you by yourself?". She said "E stayed with me". I didn't ask any further questions, just smiled and said "Oh, well that's good, at least you weren't on your own". And yesterday, a girlfriend said he had seen her in town with his GF again.
I was not bothered when he was 'secretly' dating. He kept that separate from his 'real' life. But now, he is trying to integrate the two. I cannot blame him. It is only natural that eventually he would want something more than 'on the side'. I do think that Covid has had a lot to do with it. With the lockdown all his usual distractions were gone (his friends, the gym, work) so all he had was her (and us). They naturally got closer. But that he is now walking around town and having family days with her just shows how much I have been marginalised.
I know. It's spinning and none of this serves me. I am keeping appearances up. I smile, I act happy around the children, I wave them goodbye when they leave, I ask them how their day has gone when they return. I engage with him (in so far as the discussions are logistical) but inside I feel like I am breaking again.
I do understand that this is the natural course of things. There is (unwarranted) anger at how he has gone about things. Sneaking around, never actually telling me we were over, avoiding conversations (we both did this) so that I never fully understood what was going on.
Should I have pushed more in those early days? Should I have confronted him and forced him to tell me what was going on? Did my 'detachment' only push him away further? Would it have done any good?
I know this does not serve me. But it is what is going through my head and how I feel regardless.
