Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

Steve, thanks for your great advice. It did give me plenty to think about, and I've been musing over things the last couple of weeks. I've found it hard to come back to the boards because I have a tendency to overthink and it really is hard to focus on positivity and foregiveness when so much of what I read brings my guard right back up again and takes me back to thoughts of deception and mistrust. I'm trying to find balance somewhere between hopeful and mindful.

Wayfarer, May, thanks for checking in on me! It's been nearly 8 weeks since H asked me to take him back. Things have been progressing steadily and we have been spending more and more time together. We had a week away last week, as a family, in a cottage in the S.W - back to the land of my grandparents. It was really nice and we all enjoyed ourselves. Since we have been back, H has spent all his time here and has now notifed his rental agency that he will not renew his lease. I guess that makes us fully 'back together' again, although I have not put my rings back on - I want him to ask me to start wearing them again.

We had one big argument whilst away. In the lead up to the holiday, H had mentioned a couple of times that he wanted me to be able to go to the beauty salon regularly, spoil myself. I've never been one to have regular facials, spa trips, etc, but I'd regularly get my hair and nails done (although equally my expensive haircut would often be scraped back into a pony tail - typical busy mum style, I guess). He had also said he wanted to take me shopping to buy dresses and underwear. He had said it was really important to him - I had thought he meant that it was important to him that I put myself first and pampered myself, but the more he mentioned it, the more I started thinking that it was about how I look, etc. H said something on holiday that really riled me about women's looks. He said my reaction showed signs of the old me (someone he didnt like) and I asked if that was the old me who was never good enough for her husband? I accused him of trying to mould me into his EAP, because I'm sure she was everything I wasnt. We talked it through, he apologised if he'd upset me, but ever since then I've been carrying this feeling that I'm not enough. And I've always felt like that in our entire marriage. But I also now have realised that this is something I bring from my childhood, because nothing I ever did was good enough for my mother (and it still isnt - whilst we were away I visited the cemetary and placed some flowers on my grandparents' grave. I sent my mum a photo and she texted back to say the stems were too long and I needed to make them a bit shorter!! I didnt reply and I didnt shorten the stems. In fact, I blocked her on my phone for the rest of the week, as i was getting sick of the incessant texts telling what time high tide was, or where we should go for a day trip, how to get there, what to wear, etc. I definitely have major issues that I need to work through in regard to that relationship.)

I may have misjudged H's motives and it is something I need to talk to him about. He hasnt dared mention salons or clothes shopping since. We patched up after the argument but for the last few days I have been carrying this fear in me that I will never be the wife he wants me to be. Yet I cant fault his behaviour towards me at the moment - he is being loving, affectionate, tactile, complimentary, asks my opinion on everything, we are having regular sex, he talks about our future. He is being the H I always wanted and I'm still scared i'm not enough. Last night I had bad dreams and he held me tight and asked me to tell him what it was about. I didnt say anything. He asked again this morning but I havent told him. It was about him and EAP having secret phone calls and him lying to me about who it was on the phone. I really want to let go of these things and I dont know why I am finding it so hard to move on from the hurt, lies and deceit. I really want to be able to forgive and not throw it back in his face for evermore.

Right now, with the fact that he is 'almost' moved back home, I feel scared that we are going to go right back to where we were before he left, that nothing will have changed. I do know that we have it in our power to make sure that doesnt happen, but I dont know what needs to happen for me to shake off these feelings of insecurity. I dont know what I need from him to make me feel that I am enough - I'm trying to work that out.

All in all, however, I feel that we are in a good place right now.