Oh, WF, can I first say how deserving of this you are? How hard you have worked, the patience you have presented and your commitment to your family (D’s) all led you to this place. You are worthy of this and by God, you have earned it.
I don’t have much to add in the advice column; your IC, and the previous posters have all given you great advice. The thing that I see to be key in this reconciliation is to keep going with your wise, patient, trusting of the ‘two flames’ self. Soak all that puppy love up right now. Get H back into the place of trusting his role in your R, which might mean for you pretending it’s all new and that you are single parents dating again (like when you first met). What would you have asked him then of your commitment to each other? I know this is hypothetical as you are not newly dating single parents, but maybe it would help your process if you visioned it that way? (Speaking of which, from my woo-woo self, have you written a present-tense version of your future life recently? If not, do it. If so, revise it to the best, most hopeful version of your M!)
You are embarking on M2.0. You have dealt with some serious trauma (mama passing away, H having an affair, D going back to her mom PT and the issues that brings up for you as a family), and though that trauma doesn’t disappear, you have done some mighty work on yourself through all of this. So, you (and also H) get to make up the rules. Maybe it would help to set some new ‘deadlines’ for your MR? He is clearly not moving out, so maybe set the yardstick out further for the work you want/expect to see? And then live your best life until those deadlines come closer. Allow yourself some joy and peace with where things are now. Because the Retrouvaille, books H needs to read and serious MC, are all in the future. And will come.
But damn, girl, you deserve it all now! I see you, you are so worth it. But 50 years of wedded bliss take a h3ll of a lot of patience. Of which you have proven to have in spades.
So much love to you and your situation. I am honored to read all about it.
