Hopefully Drifting Ashore (Riding the Wave 4)

[may22]

(((wayfarer)))

I know that terror that you'll fall into the same old M1.0 traps.... I was so so scared back in May that H just wanted to brush this all under the rug. And it is so exhausting to be DBing and purposely not exposing the rough bits. And now when you're used to that it probably feels really really scary to show them again. You need him to be there for all of you, to be able to have him be OK with you being in a bad mood, knowing that you need to have control sometimes and not taking it personally but giving you your space to do what you need without judging. Knowing he's got your back no matter what. I wonder sometimes if that is something we will never get back, that bone-deep knowledge that H is your person and has your back no matter what happens. I worry about that.

My H and I have been talking about what is next, what working on M2.0 will look like. He feels like the day I said I do I stopped caring about our R, I felt like he was there forever and started taking him for granted. And that in M2.0 we won't be able to take each other for granted, that we'll both be making the choice to be in an R with each other every day. I pushed back on that-- I see that as building M2.0 but I don't want to feel like either of us could jump out of the R at any moment. There has to be trust and structure and again, the ability to show all your dark corners and know that your H still loves you for you and isn't going anywhere. H rephrased to say, we need to be making the choice to actively show each other love every day. Which I'm honestly thinking on. It feels like a lot of pressure.

Some thoughts for you to take or leave:

-- I agree with IW. Take this slow. You've both been through a LOT and I would sit with those feelings for a few weeks and see what happens. I think if he is the one to take that step, to initiate an R convo, to research MC or Retrouvaille or whatever, you are going to be so much more confident in it than if it is something you initiate first. Also, it gives him the opportunity to step up and lead rather than you, which (if he's like my H) feels important. He doesn't want to feel controlled or led in M2.0. He wants a partner, and YOU want a partner. So maybe continuing your incredible patience a bit more will give him the opportunity to step up.

-- If/when you do bring it up in an R talk-- here's something my H has said to me. He feels like I go into solutioning super quickly (probably true). He asks me to sit with what is the problem rather than jump to what he needs to do to fix it. So, I wonder if because our Hs may perceive us similarly on the control thing if that advice may be helpful for you too? Stay in your lane and share how you're feeling and let him figure out how to support you and how to address it next?

-- Don't feel like a duck. I think how you are feeling is totally natural. I think Caligirl stopped posting before you got here but you might go find her thread-- she was a champion at DBing (like you) and she felt a lot of the same feelings when he came back. I think for you, too, because your H never actually LEFT, it is harder to judge the "back" status, and you may be more worried that you'll slip into him leaning out of the R more easily because he did that without actually leaving the house? I do think moving back into the MBR and saying ILY are pretty significant steps, though.

-- Finally, one thing our MC recommended that we haven't really done... have fun together. Date. Laugh. Have deep conversations about things that aren't your R. Turn towards him in the little ways (like Gottman talks about the sliding doors)-- look for those moments and respond. I think by establishing you're there for each other in the smallest of ways it can help rebuild that trust that you'll be there for each other in the big ones down the line too. Maybe you can do this without thinking about what it all means in the big picture for a little bit? Just relax and let down your guard a little and enjoy someone giving you Eskimo kisses and doing the dishes and going the extra mile in the bedroom?

I'm really happy for you, WF!! xoxoxoxo