Just coasting

[SteveLW]

Hi
Long story but will outline the main points.

Husband said we are done in March. From end of feb he was getting close to a colleague at work and i found messages on his computer between them and he basically ended our marriage the next day. Saying that it has nothing to do with her, and its about the fact he wasnt happy and i ruined our marriage by ignoring him.
So that was 4 months ago! And he now wants to talk divorce, well he talks a lot, but his words never materialise into actions.

He was messing with my head for the first two months as we continued to live together, but then i asked him to leave, when it all came out that him and this girl werent just friends, but they were sleeping together in fact. We have two kids, who simply think that dad works a lot at the moment. He is cold when here in person at our marital home, our communication is better over txt, i try not to initiate it.

I feel much less emotional about the whole thing, we dont argue, dont talk about our marriage, but there is still a lot of us in each others lives because of the kids.

We still have joint accounts, kids know nothing and we havent made any decisions about the house.

He wants to talk about living arrangements going forward, money and wants childcare 50/50. Which im not happy to agree with him. He works full time and the kids are 4 and 6,they need a lot of attention still and will obviously need some emotional support when we tell them.

He wants to start divorce proceedings, i have explained to him that i dont believe in divorce, but if its something that he feels he needs to do then he has to do it.

Don't expect much here. WASs are notoriously lazy when it comes to D. Most of the time they will just go ahead and start their new life, moving in with OP, and letting the legal aspect of their marriage languish. At first, the LBS sees this as a positive thing. If they haven't filed for D, then there is still hope! That is a fallacy. What ends up happening is the WAS has moved on and is living their new life. The LBS is stuck because with no D they aren't really moving forward with their life. Eventually the LBS will get fed and file for D themselves. I am telling you this because you've stated that you are opposed to D (admirable). But I encourage you to understand that almost in every culture, infidelity is an appropriate reason for ending a marriage. Take your time, don't do it before you are ready, but be ready to eventually move on from him and his crazy.

I always validate his feelings, but i know that i will struggle with the conversation around children.

He has left us and tbh has barely been here for the boys in the last 4 months and all he brings is a lot of negativity and just bad energy. He is inconsistent, late when he is due to have them when i need to go to work and intent on bringing the young girl he is seeing into their lives.

Any tips on how to approach this.

You cannot control him. We see a lot of formerly good moms and dads become terrible parents once they go wayward. This behavior form him is typical.....AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. I know this is difficult to hear....and it stinks. But you have no control over what kind of father he is. But you can counterbalance that by being the best mom that you can be!

I have read mort fertels book and its great for marriages that are in trouble, but we are sort of more that just a bit of trouble.

I studied Mort's writings, even bought his program. And I learned a lot from it. However, I don't necessarily agree with some of his approaches. Like just pretending the A isn't happening. While he is right the A isn't the problem, to ignore something like an A just isn't good advice. He is also more of a preacher of actively trying to reconnect with an obstinate (his term) spouse. I cannot advocate that for a WAS/WS that is actively in a PA. So I respect Mort, and I think his methods can really make strides in some sitches, but it is not for all sitches. If your H ever comes back, and you decide to accept him back, then some of Mort's advice can really help.

We are on the brink of divorce and currently separated with him seeing someone else.

Just to note this relationship of his is inappropriate at work and noone knows. Its all a big secret and he no longer really speaks to his family, well he doesnt tell them anything about her.

There are many lies where he will tell me things about her and how great she is and how his family offered to meet her-that is not true! Is this normal for him to make the relationship more significant than it actually is?! Is he saying this to hurt me? He also doesnt consider that he cheated on me because technically they havent had sex until after he said we are done! So he laughed in my face when i said you cheated on me!

This is all pretty standard stuff. Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does. Even George Washington type non-liars become major liars once they go wayward. You cannot trust a thing he says at this point.

He says we will never be together and that i need to stop having hope.

This is a rare moment where he is being honest with you (to steal a line from poster LH).

He is very up and down in terms of his emotional state, one week crying and begging to help him with something (manipulation) next week all cocky and saying lets get a divorce, we need to move forward.

Typical WS behavior. He is having his cake and eat it too. You need to learn to take his cake away.

Yesterday he went as far as lying to me about what he is doing with the kids, taking them to the beach with her and then lying some more! When i came back from work, the girl was sitting in his car for a good 30 minutes whilst waiting for him. I have specifically said that this is my boundary and he needs to plan his personal life on the days when he isnt with kids, but he is just intent on trying to get her involved and show her he is a great dad and that she is part of his life. I cant imagine the amount of bullshit he has told her!

Gigi, many new LBSs get boundaries wrong. Lots start out thinking boundaries are their way around not trying to control their WAS. The truth is, they are his kids, and as long as they are not physically endangered, there is nothing you can do to prevent him from having her around them. I know it stinks, but that is the truth legally.

A true boundary says that "If he does X, then I will do Y." For instance, most LBSs need to set a boundary on being disrespected by their WAS. "If he start disrespecting me,then I will tell him I refuse to be spoken down to, and then end the conversation and/or walkaway."

A boundary is not "You cannot take the kids around her!" It is unenforceable. Unenforceable boundaries make you look weak and desperate.

We haven't lived together for 2 months now and what feels like simply coasting and nothing is actually happening.

See above about the laziness of most WASs. He will coast for as long as you allow him to coast.

He has lost weight, lots of new clothes etc. I dont know if this is all part of MLC?!

So what if it is a MLC? We LBSs spend a lot of time and energy in trying to diagnose our WAS. In fact, I came to this forum 2 1/2 years ago convinced that my W's anti-depressants were causing our problems! Why do we as LBSs do this? Because if we can get to a root cause, then we can attempt to recitify it. This,unfortunately, is false hope. What is going on with your H is complex. There is no easy answer to why. And because of that there is no magic elixir, there is no magic bullet to fix things or him. If it were that easy then this forum wouldn't exist because there would be books telling you exactly what to say and do to fix things.

So if it is a MLC do you know what it changes? Nothing. You still need to remove all pressure and pursuit. You need to pull back and leave him alone to figure out his own crap. You need to turn your focus from him and it put it on yourself. GAL, go out and find the girl you were when you met him! 180, and put into place self-improvements, not to get him back but to be the best you that you can be. And then to detach. Work on getting to a place where you no longer have an emotional response to what he says and does.

Your H may come to his senses. He may not. But what you have in front of you is an opportunity to moving forward to an awesome life! You get to choose to chase an awesome life.....or to remain stuck in place.