I've had a few friends tell me that the only way out is through - there's no way to shortcut it, you have to feel what you feel and grieve. For as much as I'm sure that I'll find love again, that I'm an attractive person with many good qualities, that I'm strong and brave for having the courage to accept my faults and work on them, it's still very hard for me to forgive myself for what happened to the M. To be honest, I'm not sure how anyone does it. It's fairly black and white to me; a woman loved me deeply, someone I was insanely attracted to and meant the world to me, and while I'm not 100% at fault, there is a litany of things I regret and feel shame about, and now she's gone. How does anyone ever get to peace with that?
SteveS ~
I understand your struggle. I used to think I'd never work through it. I have come to peace with my D, but it literally took my STBXW threatening to move away with our children. You don't have the advantage of such high conflict. I don't think it's easy to let go when you don't have that extra push.
I sense you continue to self-flagellate (which I did for a long time due to my NGS). I encourage you to deal with the shame. It is a toxic emotion, and is going to block you from getting through this. I say this from experience.
It became a lot easier for me when I could say "I did some things I regret" rather than "I am fundamentally a flawed person". Then I could work through my 50%, her 50%, and start to sort out things more clearly.
Finally, I know how it is from your position when everyone is telling you you live in a great city, there are plenty of opportunities, blah blah blah, the standard "plenty of fish in the sea" speech, right?
NO... that is not the point. The point is, having worked through your NGS and a difficult MR break-up, you, SteveS, are going to be fully equipped to go out and have an incredibly fulfilling and happy life. And it's not going to depend on your partner (although that person may augment your happiness). There are infinite possibilities -- do you realize how exciting that is for a young, successful, sensitive, thoughtful person living in one of the most dynamic places in the world?!
