I have been reading threads, but unable to update mine for awhile. I am pleased for the progress that so many posters are making on their mental and/or relationship situation and I have been learning so much vicariously through other people's stories.
Mine remains fairly consistent: H is moving out in a couple of weeks (he signed a year lease) and my kiddos don't know about the upcoming changes. H is currently sleeping in the guest room, but other than that we have had some sense of normalcy since he moved back in a month ago (at least as the kids are concerned). I have had some ups and downs, but for the most part I feel like I have moved closer to detaching. In fact, I am looking forward to him moving out and not feeling like I have to walk on eggshells any longer. But I have been struggling internally with a few different issues and I am hoping this board may be able to help me:
I have been brewing on the OW (I am almost 99% sure that it has only been an EA... not that it matters to me, but holds some reference for what I am about to say). She has 4 kids too. And from what H has told me over the years, she is unhappy, although who really knows. H admitted today that he justified his EA with OW and didn't feel remorse or guilt because he felt neglected and ill-treated by me over the years (SSM, I prioritized the child-bearing and kids over his emotional needs, I was stressed and cranky after being left for weeks on my own with the littles while he had glamorous work and traveled around the world 200+ days a year, I didn't 'respect' him the way he needed...I will go into this in greater detail later). Anyway, I can't stop thinking about OW's husband in light of my own situation. That if OW wasn't on the scene, H would have leaned into our issues and given our relationship the attention it needed instead of spending all the emotional energy on her (he admitted as much today). Our family is breaking apart because of this. Should I remain silent and not contact OW's H with the information I have? Or do I owe another large family the truth and an opportunity to work out their issues? I would have been so grateful if OW's H has said something to me (assuming he knew) before we got to this point. This isn't some affair with a young single person. This is another entire family, same size as ours, that could be saved. Or am I deluding myself?
Back to H's thoughts on why he is leaving me:
1. I have been controlling and manipulative (he wavers on this... I know I am controlling to a certain degree, but running a household with 4 kids on my own demands a certain level of control-- manipulative has only come up since BD). He would come home from work travels and we would integrate him into the fold as much as we could in the week or two he was around, but it was hard on all of us. I felt like we got better at it over the years, but it never was 'easy' to give up control of the household systems that were in place when he was gone. I did research on military families and was raised in a household where my own father was gone a lot, so it seemed normal to me (read: I wasn't needy, demanding, nor did I blame or guilt him for his absences, although none of my friends could understand my acceptance of this).
2. I didn't acknowledge his love language (physical touch/sex). Which I attributed to my utter exhaustion at having 4 babies in 5 years (the first 3 years of which I was the sole breadwinner, working 60+ hours a week AND managing the household and children etc). I think every woman here can relate to being 'touched out' at the end of the day with suckling newborns and needy toddlers. Excuses, excuses, I know. But I know of no woman friend of mine that didn't feel the same way and their husbands didn't leave them for this reason.
3. I didn't maintain my body/looks (highly important to H, he works in a field where looks are everything). See above. I also had a devastating family loss when baby #3 was 5 weeks old... I spiraled into depression and failed to lose the baby weight before #4 came along. He wanted to show me off, I wanted to hide in a hole.
4. I became resentful. Actually, I was severely depressed and didn't recognize it. I probably did take out my frustrations on the only adult in the room (H).
5. And then there is a litany of things that I just can't accept (have evidence to the contrary, feels like H is 'making things up to justify his cause'): there was no 'spark' between us, he married too young, he wanted a big family and I was the right person for that purpose (though no other purpose?), he loved me but wasn't in love with me, he felt forced into marriage (we did elope, we are from different countries and needed to get married to be together in the long run, although he wanted to be with me for life from day one, he wanted to get M and was undying in this until BD), we just don't 'intersect' the right way (again, since BD; prior to BD, I was the dream wife and love of his life and how lucky were we to have found each other?!?)
Sorry, this is all a lot. I have started to vision myself in a place where none of this matters, where I am completely detached and don't care (it will be a lot easier when he is out of the house and we are living separate lives). I am working my way there, but am not completely there yet.
