Trying to Detach

[may22]

Hi Alison, CW,

When he said we're going on this trip, he had also said he was going to do what I had asked, but I was pretty much discounting that since there didn't seem to be a real plan or whatever, and I was waiting for that.

Yesterday morning, I asked what his plans were. It started off as a fight (on his end at least)-- I was telling him what to do yet again, he can't feel controlled and "submit" to my requirements, I was forcing an ultimatum and threatening him, etc. He said the request felt reasonable but it wasn't being put to him in a reasonable way. I didn't really argue back but stuck to my position.

We ended up talking a lot, all day. I told him I was open to discussing and coming up with a solution together, but I didn't envision changing my mind around what I needed in order to move forward. I explained where I was coming from-- I didn't think I could enjoy the trip worrying they might be in touch, I couldn't enjoy it worrying they'd be back in touch when we returned, I didn't *want* to relax and enjoy it only to have another BD in a month or two-- my mental health simply couldn't take it. And he said he wanted this trip in order to be a family and be together, to rebuild and re-knit the fabric of our relationship-- and I said I couldn't give him that without knowing she was out of the picture, there were technological assists to help make sure that happened, and that he had the intention of keeping it that way. Also, that HE couldn't honestly focus on our R if he still has the possibility of her in the back of his mind (as apparently was the case in the spring).

Anyway, talking it through really helped, I think it helped him to feel like it was something we were coming to together as partners, instead of it being something I was telling him to do. He acknowledged he couldn't really try with us if she was still potentially in the picture. For the first time, he talked about really letting her go and what M2.0 between us could look like, rebuilding intimacy, falling back in love with each other. (Always before the best he could do was we'd be good friends.)

I told him what I needed in order to be able to go on this trip as a family and do as he wants (truly re-engage with him... he felt even in the spring I never really opened up to him, I go from sad to angry so quickly, and am not open or vulnerable with him). I said that was absolutely impossible for me to be vulnerable to him or to let go of the anger with her in the picture in any way. I'm not trying to punish him. It is just not possible. And I said over and over-- if he can't do this, if he can't let her go, if he can't give our R 100%-- then there is simply no point. Then the best thing to do is to D. I'm willing to give this a shot but only if he'll do it too, 100 percent, no foot holding the door open for AP just in case.

He's in a session with his IC now working out next steps, exactly what he will say to AP and how he can do it in a way that will be satisfactory to me, the blocking, etc. We will see.